*sigh*..no weight loss in a couple weeks...

Christmas is over:( I have been on vacation for the past week and half..Im off for 2 weeks total...I havnt been to the gym and havnt really done too good with my eating...I can't eat a whole lot so that is a good thing but no exercise and not watching what I eat has caused a stand still for my weight loss...Im not beating myself up but I do think that its 2 weeks wasted and I could of lost a couple more pounds..Im holding at 254lbs still 3lbs away from my 50lb marker I said I would get to that by the first of the year but I only have this week left and unless I workout everyday and eat very little I dont see it happening but I cant get upset because I chose to slack off around the holidays. on christmas in the past, I would load my plate up with food, eat it all and go back for seconds of mashed potatoes and gravy and some other stuff. This year I fixed a smaller plate with just a small serving of each thing I wanted and I was stuffed a little over half way through I still left sweet potatoes and some ham on my plate. I like that..I wanted to eat more mentally but I just couldnt. I will get back into the game very soon...the gym is calling me and Im ready to tackle this again...2 weeks is enough and all that I am allowing myself!! Hope everyone had a great holiday!! See ya in the New Year!!

First bad stuck episode...

Ok...so Iv been complaining that I lost the restriction I got with my 3rd fill...well it sure as hell hasnt loosened up enough because I had my first bad stuck episode yesterday..and at my son's pre-school of all places!! My son had his christmas party yesterday so I went and they had all kinds of food..well so far nothing much has bothered me but sometimes I get a little stuck on bread or something if I dont chew it really well..I made my son and him both a plate and the first thing I went for was a piece of ring bologna and a cracker..well I was somewhat side tracked because I was helping my son get situated and I was starving...cause I always seem to be anymore....and after about 3 bites of that bologna and cracker I felt the sudden "stuck" feeling in my chest ..well it was alot worse than I ever had before..i felt alot of pressure and even when I breathed in my ears felt funny...weird huh? anyway...I sat there thinking it would pass like all my other episodes but after about 10 minutes my mouth started watering and I was so uncomfortable..I asked his teacher if she could watch him for a second while I used the bathroom..I got in the stall and just started bringing it back up automatically...than right after that I was perfectly fine. Im not sure if it was the bologna or the fact I ate it too fast or both but I wont be eating that again!! my chest is still a little sore today...I feel like I am an official bandster now..lol....I was just bragging to one of my friends at work who had the surgery a year ago that I never had a bad stuck episode or PB'd (she does all the time) guess I spoke too soon!! I had to share this with you since it was a pretty big thing for me..lol....today is my birthday by the way and my husband is taking me out of town for the night...I am 36 yrs old today and having a little bit of a hard time about it...its like Im so close to 40 now!! I was ok at 35 but 36?? Im on a downward spiral now...Thanks for listening and hopefully that wont happen again!!

Dag Nab It!!

Hey all!! where do I start..so I had great restriction after my 3 rd fill a couple weeks ago I lost like 8lbs in a little over a week..I was feeling great and so happy that I was going to have restriction to help me over all the holiday food!!! BUT......after about 2 weeks the restriction just up and left...now I feel like I did right before I got this last fill..I can eat so much more again, the only difference is before the fill I wasn't getting stuck on anything now I do still get stuck even though the restriction left...its not a bad stuck, usually its on bread or when I eat something really quickly or something really dry and it lasts a couple minutes max. when I weighed myself last week I was 254 ...only 3lbs away from losing 50LBS!! which is my first goal! but this week I have eaten so much!! we had holiday dinners 3x this week at work..the whole nine yards..stuffing, mashed potatoes, turkey, gravy..and of course I eat and eat alot...I have been so hungry too..its like all the sudden it just hit me...I started my holiday vacation today...I am off work for 15 days..part of me is happy the other part is thinking I dont trust myself with food even more while home! Part of me tells myself to hell with it..start a new Jan 1st but I dont want to do that ..in 3 weeks I could gain 10lbs back! I cant let that happen..so I need to get out of this eating binge and back to realizing I need to follow the band rules. My next fill is Jan 12th so have a few weeks still...I cant believe that the restriction only lasted 2 weeks...that was so disappointing!! I will certainly keep you all posted within the next week or so!

5lbs from the big 50!!!!

I am only 5lbs away from my first goal..the 50lb marker!! I weighed myself today and I am down to 256!! Plus I have some restriction!! Iv been eating normal foods for 2 days since my fill and feel a difference. Im still really hungry but cant eat as much as I could before this fill. I just hope it stays that way at least for a couple weeks!! One of my issues is that I still order too much food whenI go out and eat and have this issue with either taking it with me or just letting the waiter take it. Like today I went to Uno's and got the endless soup and salad. I should of just got the soup. because I couldnt take it with me I ended up eating the whole salad and the whole bowl of soup but I have to tell you that once I ate half the chili and part of the salad I was full but I kept going cause I didnt want to waste it. Thats why I need so stick with bringing my lunch and eating in but I really need a break from work sometimes and enjoy eating out with my coworkers. Anyway, after I eat just the one small salad and chili I was full and stayed full all afternoon. I just started getting hungry after the gym. If I learn to just get the minimum and change that habit of my eyes are bigger than my stomachI would be ok. So tomorrow Im staying in for lunch and eating what I bring. I also have to eat slower now and take smaller bites. I had some chicken salad last night and I think i ate it too fast and I got my first stuck episode it wasnt a bad one like I read about but I did feel it in my chest and it took a few minutes to go down and not feel uncomfortable anymore. So far so good with this 3rd fill!! hopefully it continues!

4month bandiversary!! 3rd fill today!

Had my fill this morning..it went well. Had no problem finding my port. He put in 1cc. I have a total of 7 cc's now in my 11cc band. I told him that I was still hungry alot and could eat pretty good size portions but I guess he didn't want to over due it. He reminded me this is a process and its normal to take several fills to get to where I need to be. I told him about my hair loss and he reccomended Biotin and to make sure im taking my vitamins. I have to admit I havnt been taking vitamins because I thought Im getting enough food. I eat mushies today just some mashed potatoes but I was so hungry by this afternoon I ate a couple really small pieces of tuna. I went to the gym and worked out for 90 minutes. When I got home my husband had already cooked dinner for my son and him..chicken legs, and some pasta mixed with broccoli. I was so hungry so I picked off some meat from one of the legs and took really tiny bites and chewed it up than I ate a couple spoons of pasta with broccoli again taking little bites and chewing. everything went down ok. even though Im still hungry I stopped at that. I dont want to overdue it. he said I can eat regular foods tomorrow just to follow the band rules. I really hope I have better restriction. You would think if I had a little before and got another cc in that I would have some more but Iv learned not to get my hopes up:) Oh almost forgot the most important part!! I weighed in at 260 even..which was so much better than I thought I would be a few days ago after Thanksgiving vacation. They said I was down 8lbs from the last fill but I could of sworn when I weighed in 6 weeks ago I was 266 but I didn't fight what they said..lol. Im down a total of 42lbs so far. Today is my 4 month bandiversary too!!! They scheduled my next fill for Jan 11th. I really hope Im down at least 10 more lbs!!

Feeling Better.....

I hit the gym this morning and took a body combat class and did some weights. Gonna focus on getting back in the swing of things today. I gained 3lbs since I weighed myself last Sunday to today..so less than I thought I gained but still 3lbs in a week to gain is alot..not surprised though considering how I eat and not exercising. Cannot wait till my fill on Tuesday..anxious to see how it will impact me....today I eat a bagel and it went down really hard and I had a hard time with it. not sure why all the sudden bread doesnt go down for me. Anyway wanted to let you all know that I am back in the grind and that I will let you know how my fill goes!!

I typed this whole message out and it wouldnt take for some reason and when I tried to "go back" it deleted! I poured my guts out:) well instead of typing everything again ...I will sum it up... Im in Georgia now visiting all my husbands family..been on the road since Wed morning..iv been eating like CRAP..this southern cooking & baking is NO JOKE!! his one aunt baked 23 cakes&pies alone...from scratch...WHO DOES THAT?..LOL...UGH..not to mention my hotel is right beside a Hooters which is my favorite wing place in the world big boobies dont keep me away and my husband doesnt have a problem with going with me either ( amazing huh?) how many of you can say your husband would suffer through hooters with you 2x in 3 days?..LOL. Im freaking because I have my fill on Tuesday and am scared I have gained back the 6lbs I worked so hard to lose in the past 6 weeks! I would hate to go in there and only show losing a pound or something crazy...Im just gonna fess up and tell them the truth about the week. I even made sure to book a hotel with an indoor pool and workout room, but do you think I used it ?? even once?? hell no I didn't so much as put my sports bra on...Iv decided im gonna starve myself for the next 3 days in order to get back to what I was before I left for this God forsaken southern state:) I know thats not a good thing to do but Im feeling desperate right now...I actually WANT to go back to the gym when I get back home....I cannot wait...I want to feel that way again that feeling when you just feel really good about yourself....Iv been having that when I do what I need to do and stick to the plan and I am finding the only way I do that is to stay on a schedule..any slight schedule change, party, traveling just throws me off...and when Im off I am REALLY OFF...I just remmeber the first time I went to a nutritionist the first few months while waiting for surgery..after talking to her all but 5 minutes she said I will tell you the type of dieter/eater you are..."you have yo yo dieted all of your adult life, you are either on a diet and when your on it you are on it to a tee..but when your off of it you are REALLY OFF.. no inbetween" and this has stuck with me cause even though its not rocket science its exactly how I am...if I go off I just say "f*ck it" and eat whatever I want for days...than Im back on and back on to a tee. Than she proceeded to tell me that will never work with the band. When I think back to that it scares me cause sometimes I feel myself slipping back into my old ways again and I dont want to.

Holiday food..nuff said

full body pic--down 42lbs

Cake, Cake.....Cake ......

Oh boy, my son's 3rd bday was yesterday and we got him a huge Thomas the train cake and we have a ton of leftovers. I gave everyone some before they left the party but I still came home with about 15 slices....that cake is like CRACK!! I have been picking at it all friggin day!! It seems that its a constant roller coaster for me on this journey...through the week I normally do great, hit the gym 2-3 times watch what I eat and I did really good this week, well than comes the weekends and it takes so much more will power!! Only one event or party can throw me off the wagon. I need to learn how to deal with these events but can't seem to get it together yet. Unfortunatly I have very little will power if something is right in front of me, I didnt get to the gym yesterday because of the party and I didnt get there today because my husband got called into work and I had no one to watch my son. Not to mention, I got another friggin cold and feel like crap today..my whole family has got it including my son. I am off all this week and we are heading out of town for the holidays. I have my fill on the 30th and I am so scared Im gonna gain a bunch of weight this week before my fill. I am down about 6lbs from my last fill so I guess that is ok..but I could gain that all back in a week. I really need to set my mind to stay on track. Our hotel has a gym and an indoor pool so I keep telling myself I need to work out while Im there, especially if I dont control my eating. eating on the road is tough enough in itself!! oh yea and to add some salt to the wound my time of the month is coming too so the cake didn't have a chance this week. My husband is going to take the rest of the cake tomorrow to work. I told him not to come back with so much as a piece of frosting! I know I am not alone out there but it really feels like I am. Some days I am really happy that I got the band and other days I get disappointed with it and feel like I was expecting so much more. It definitly is only a tool and not easy in any way shape or form. I could see how people would easily fail at this. Especially if you are not one of the lucky people who get restriction early on. I will never regret getting it but like I said its like a roller coaster ride..one week your up high on cloud 9 and the next your thinking this friggin sucks!! lol....but I am down 42lbs and feel so much better on most days so I can't complain too much. Most of what I complain about are things that I brought on myself and can control myself, I just choose not to do it or just made a bad decision in the moment. I really feel like this is probably going to be the hardest part of this band and that in a few months when the flu season is over, I have had a couple more fills and Im still pumping away at the gym that I will be in such a better place:) it just will take some more time for me! Until than I am still doing day my day and trying not to be too hard on myself when I have a bad day.......Keep you all posted!! I will post a couple status pics!

Shop till you drop!!

Went on a shopping spree today with my close friend...spent my fill $ for the next few months:) but I love to shop and it makes me really happy...even though tonight I am thinking I spent way too much money! I am officially a size 18 now! every pair of pants I bought today was an 18 and my shirt size is now 18 as well. I didn't eat very well at all today thought and Im feeling guilty. I ate a checker's cheeseburger and fries for lunch today:( what kills me is that I could eat all that! I was full afterwards but I had no problem getting that crappy food down. It was just convenient and fast while we were out but the whole time Im stuffing my face, Im thinking why am I eating this and man, i need to get my ass to the gym tomorrow!...UGH!! I frustrate myself so much with the choices I make! I definitly need a fill...I was debating on calling and trying to get in earlier but decided just to wait till the 30th. I am going out of town for Thanksgiving to visit the inlaws and dont want to be 5 states away just in case I wouldnt feel well from the fill. It only takes a day to eat bad and not exercise to hurt my weight loss effort. Even though Im down 40lbs I need to be at least down 50 by the first of the year! I am really hoping the next fill helps me out..please, please , please!!!

Good Bye 260's!!

I am so happy...I finally got out of the 260's! I weighed myself and I am 259 lbs!! to reward myself I did a little shopping today...bought 3 pairs of jeans, size 18!! woot woot!! I did a body pump challenge Saturday morning and I sweat like crazy..I think I sweated out of the 260's. Anyway, I can finally see the weight loss in my clothes, in my face and in the mirror. Im not close to where I want to be but I finally feel like Im gettin somewhere. I am having more people notice as well. I have so much to lose total, 120lbs, that 40lbs seems like a drop in the bucket but if you really think about it 40lbs??? that is 8 bags of flour!! 41lbs is the most I have ever lost dieting in the past 15 years so I am about to exceed that and that is a pretty big goal to me. it took 40lbs to finally feel like Im accomplishing something. Its actually a little scary..cause Im scared of failing and Im scared of success, Im scared that If I do lose 100lbs..will I be able to keep it off? Will I eventually gain it all back like Iv always done when I dieted in the past? Will something happen to the band eventually? I dont have the money to do this all over again! What about if I do lose this weight? will I be a different person? how will I look? Its enough to stress you out...lol..Im not one to take compliments very well and I feel a little "concieted" if someone tells me how good I look and I just say thanks. I feel like I always have to down the compliment...I don't know if that makes sense or not but compliments just make me feel uncomfortable sometimes. Anyway, today is a good day..I just wish I had a little more restriction to help me out! but for now Im happy.

Checking In:)

Hey everyone! Just wanted to check in....I had a pretty good week...lost 2lbs this week. I am down to 263.5. I have been working my butt off at the gym (except for tonight) and been being careful with my eating this week..packing my lunch and eating healthy and smaller portions..I find if I am ANAL with all this I lose but its so hard to keep this up all the time every week. I do feel better about myself...my face is getting smaller and I took some pics of myself this morning. Can you see? lol...I need to take more full body shots but I am just not thrilled about that yet:). I am feeling a little under the weather,sore throat for a week and been feeling blah this morning..heading to the doctor in the morning just to make sure I dont have strep throat. I am bummed I missed the gym tonight but didn't want to over do it if Im getting sick. I have been debating calling my doctor to see if I can get in a couple weeks earlier for my fill. Some days I feel like I have some restriction and other days I dont. Its really inconsistent and drives me crazy!! I still havnt been doing good with measuring like I should but trying. Iv been so hungry in the evenings and eating most of my food at dinner. I usually have a meat for breakfast than a salad and meat for lunch than dinner. I still have been taking my phentermines here and there and they do help curve my appetite and get me through the day but I really don't want to take them, I want the band to work like it is suppose to!! I know its working some but not to its capacity! I hate playing this waiting game but hopefully it will go fast and I will have good restriction soon. Iv lost a few more inches too. I measured myself last weekend. I bought a pair of jeans at JC Pennys a few weeks ago and wore them for the 2nd time today and they were falling off me!! I want to shop but if I dont want to spend money just to not have the clothes fit in a few weeks! Next goal is to hit the 250's! Im taking it 10 lbs at a time .....but it seems to take months to get through each goal...I really want to be in the 230's! 5 more lbs and I have passed the most weight I have ever lost!! That really is an accomplishment for me...hoping it happens sooner than I think!!

Back on Track....

My one day turned into 4 bad days ..today I finally am getting back on track! between my pms and all the food they had at work this week I really fell off the wagon. I didn't get to the gym either this week. I am very angry at myself for letting it go for so long. Its one thing If I was a year out and had a bad week but today is my 3month anniversary and I cant afford to fall off the wagon already!! The end of the year is creeping up on me and I really want to be down 50-60lbs by the first of the year. Im trying not to beat myself up too much about it and I am just going to try really hard this coming week to get to the gym and be good with what I eat. Today I did start measuring food and I can eat about 1-1.5 cups of food before I feel content and start to feel full. I am going to keep measuring my food and trying to focus back on the band rules this week. Its going to be really tough around the holidays I can tell already. My third fill can't come soon enough..I have 30 days and that seems like forever to me!! If it works it will be worth the wait. Wish me luck!!

Boy was I a spaze or what?

I had to laugh a little whenI read my blog this morning from yesterday...Was I a spaze or what??..lol....I was very desperate yesterday...still am a little today but boy did I lay it all on you guys!! Sorry about that:) but had a pretty tough emotional day. My husband even read it last night and was like WTF?? ..lol...anyway...I will not tell you if I had one of those donuts this morning. ( I guess I just answered that question).

On a good note..2 summers ago I cleaned out all my bins of clothes and sold a ton of them at my yardsale. I had about 3 bins of jeans anywhere from a size 14-18. They went like hotcakes!! I held onto those jeans for 10 yrs thinking one day I would get back into them. Well 2 yrs ago I gave up and got rid of them, now I wish I would of kept them. I remmber it being hard to sell them but at that time I though id never get back into size 14 again. I did manage to keep a few of my favorite pairs. A couple size 18's I had folded up and shoved underneath my bed. This morning I dragged them out and for shits & giggles I tried them on. All 4 of them fit! and buttoned with ease! I did weigh myself this morning and luckily my little binge yesterday didnt cause me to gain any weight but once again I can tell the weight loss is very slow. The little restriction that I thought I was getting seems to be disapearing:( Now I am back to the ole "hopefully my next fill will do something" I have 5 weeks to go until than and that is gonna seem like an eternity to me!! 265 is my weight today.....my first big goal I set for me is 250 ....50lbs down from my starting weight. I got 15lbs to get there...I am hoping I can do that by the 1st of the year!

Envasion of the body snatcher!!!

Today my body was taken over and held hostage by a force..a force that I have NO power to fight... a force that I cannot stand up to and has 5x my strength...MY PERIOD!!! She forced me to eat a full plate of chinese food at lunch .....than forced me to eat a piece of marble chocolate cake (dammit Traci why did you have to have a baby?) now she is telling me to go home and lay down on the couch..."go ahead skip the gym, one day won't kill you". Iv been fighting her all day and Im losing the battle...BIG TIME!! Ever since I stopped the pill before surgery my PMS has been crazy...I am not a chocoloate or sweet eater and don't have a problem passing up cake, however, at that time of the month I normally crave chocolate but this? this right here? its beyond craving its like a need...I couldnt pass that damn piece of cake up..I just gravitated toward it...I have been thinking about a Hershey Chocoloate bar with almonds for 2 days straight now! I sware Im going insane. I had SUCH a good week last week...worked out 4x, eat really well and I actually was just bragging over the weekend that I really felt like I had some restriction with this last fill. but today I can eat like normal! I can't figure it out...I am literally starving today...I went to the chinese buffet and filled my plate up and eat almost the whole thing..Its like I didn't care what happened to me I was eating that food...I didnt even fill really full after wards..I did make myself stop and not get anymore but I still eat way more than i should have...than came back to work and there was a piece of cake on my desk and normally when that happens ( yes it does happen often..we have a cake fairy flying round my office) I just take it and give it to the guy behind me...not today...I sware I dont even remember eating it!! I remember walking in seeing it than next thing I know I was throwing the empty plate away. I am so disappointed in myself ..It just takes one bad day and some PMS thrown in the mix to make you feel like you don't have it in you battle this long journey..one day Im on cloud 9 and so positive and the next I want to go home and curl up underneath the blankets and surrender. I am thinking some of you are saying " oh yea blame PMS you didnt have to eat all that food, you should of controlled yourself" and your right I should have..I am really pissed off that I am feeling this way today. I know tomorrow is a new day and I plan on getting back on track ..I have not doubt I will...but today, cant I just wallow a little in my misery??cant I just succomb to the the way i feel and go home, not workout and eat what I want?? You dont realize how much you are going to have to work at this and how hard it is and how weary you will get on some days....some days you just want to use your Get out of jail free card. Today is one of those days.

....OMG.....just got an email at work..here is what it says..."In honor of our front line team members who service our customers every day, tomorrow there will be donuts in the morning and and cookie trays in the afternoon" . They are beating me when I am down!! Im calling in sick tomorrow! I am officially waiving the white flag...I feel like the guy looks on my pic. I am sure glad I have this blog to vent on!!

Going Strong....

well just completed day 3 after my 2nd fill. I THINK im feeling a little more restriction. I guess I am just expecting to get stuck or get full after just a few bites..I am starting to think that the way I feel IS the right way..being able to eat anything, chewing up good and slowing down my eating without any issues but I just think where is the discomfort some people talk about? the pbing? the sliming?? I really dont want that but I guess I read so much about it I expected it. Maybe that comes after more fills? Im not taking teeny tiny bites but nothing stuck so far.So here is what Iv eaten since last night when I started regular foods after my fill.... Last night I had a half of a chicken breast and a small spinach salad, about cup and half..felt full....had 2 hardboiled eggs and 3oz of turkey sausage this morning ..felt content and stayed satisfied for a couple hours. I eat lunch around 2pm the other half of chicken breast and spinach salad....a little over half way through I felt full...wasnt hungry when I left work and normally Im starving by the time I get home and pick on all kinds of food but tonight I went to the gym after work and did about 30 minutes of cardio..still wasnt hungry..I ate a Atkins protein bar when I got home just to keep me from eating chips or cookies...than I ate 5 scallops and about a half a cup of brown rice for dinner around 930 ( im a late eater) and I feel content. Never feel stuffed...stuffed is a feeling I used to get after a chinese buffet or lunch at the Golden Corral buffet...the band gives me a different fullness ....not much bloating ...I like it much better! So I think that I am slowly getting to where I need to be with each fill I am thinking my next fill should do the trick. I REALLY need to measure my food. I have downsized my plate size and portion size..I now use the salad plate in our plate set for dinners at home but I dont measure. I read that measuring is a key to this so I need to make myself do it. Iv been looking at myself in the mirror and even though Im not close to where I want to be I do see a difference after losing 35lbs. I am concerned about my stomach though...the bottom hanging part of my stomach...you all know what Im talking about..i always prided in my thick skin that always seemed to bounce back after so many years of gaining and losing weight but this time I dont think Im gonna avoid it..I think the toll of having my son a couple years ago and than gaining 50lbs after over the next 2 years did it in!! .I noticed its more saggy and even though Im doing what I was told to keep from getting hanging skin like exercise,lots of water..Im really scared this is going to look nasty! I definitly dont have the money for a tummy tuck and I dont want to do it either. everything else seems to be hanging in there...no pun intended..lol.....I lost alot in my butt! dammit...my husband is a butt man so that isnt helping me either..lol...why couldnt he be a stomach man?? I would have it made!!! I also am so friggin pale!! my skin is so pasty white..I was tan all summer and I am sorry but fat looks so much better tan..lol...I always said I cant be pasty and fat!! but now that Im 35 I am trying to take care of my skin too cause it would suck if I finally lost my weight than got skin cancer!! alright peeps Im done for the day...gettin off my high horse:) I will keep you posted!!

2nd Fill Done!!

Went to my dr. appt this morning and he filled me with 2 more CC's for a total of 6cc's! I finally found out what band I had...to my surprise I have the 11cc Lapband not the Realize band like I had thought!! The whole way through my pre-op the office advertised the Realize band and I just assumed I got that but the doctor told me today that after using that for a while that they went back to just the lapband right before my surgery. They said they had more success with lapband and the fills went easier and better...huh, learn somethign new everyday. I was a little bummed because I had read so much on Realize and comparing and it did seem better than lapband but oh well its in now, right?? Anywho, the fill went good, he had to poke for a minute but found it alot faster than last time. I drank the water and went down fine. He insisted I should feel restriction now but I guess we will see. I sure hope I do. I am only liquids and mushies for 2 days than back to regular food. I need to start using the band rules again and get back into the game again! I asked him if by chance I dont feel restriction if I could come back in sooner than 6 weeks...he said he would probably do 4 weeks for me BUT he said he doesnt think that will happen and that he wouldnt be surprised if I came back in to get some out!! I was getting excited..lol!! I just want restriction so bad and to start losing weight faster. Oh yea speaking of weight! I lost 7lbs in 6weeks, they said that was great but I think I should be losing more. I have lost a total of 34lbs since surgery, so in about 2.5 months. Im really hungry right now but trying to stick with only mushies like I am suppose to. I did it for 2 weeks so think I can do it for 2 days. I did notice when I am drinking my water that even though I sip I sometimes get the feeling like I gulped it...could that be the restriction Im waiting for?? I dont know:) The fill cost me $200 today...which put a dent in my savings again!! selfpay sucks!! but hopefully it will be worth it. Now I just have to make the BIG decision of the day...creamy tomato or Cream of broccoli? :) Will keep you posted!

So Ready for my Fill!!

2nd fill in 48hours! I cannot wait but can't help but think that Im getting my hopes up too much or have too high of expectations. I just think that I have been pretty much doing this on my own for almost 2 and half months and really am wanting some help! Help that I paid 15 friggin grand for! Im still going to the gym a few times a week, walking than taking some classes. my eating has been ok..I have my days. some days I do great and track everything and watch what I eat and other days I just eat. I dont think Iv done too bad, however, there are times I just eat too much and don't practice the "band rules" like I should. I was actually thinking about that on my way back from the gym today. how can you stick to the rules if you feel so normal?? I did good with it the first 8 weeks but since my last fill and not getting anymore restriction, I just kinda gave up on the rules and just did weight watchers and exercised. I know if I tell the doctor that Tuesday that they won't like it but at this point Im doing what I need to do to make it through until I get the restriction. Last night my husband and I went to this new mexican restaurant. I eat several chips with salsa and ordered a chicken taco salad. I didnt eat the shell it came in but I did pretty much eat the whole salad and took some sips of some water. I was STUFFED after I eat! felt like my band was gonna pop right off my stomach! I wanted to eat more cause it was so good but knew if I did I would feel worse..I was so thirsty too but couldnt drink because that would of just set me over the edge. I know that I have SOME restriction cause pre-band I would of eat the entire taco salad with shell, more chips and salsa and drank an alcoholic drink or two, however, I always ate more than the average person so to be honest that little restriction isnt enough to make a difference in a weight change for me. This week I actually started taking some old Phentermines I had lefftover from last year that the dr. gave me. They work as far as your appetite goes but DAMN I was a B-I-T-C-H after 2 days! Needless to say after wiggin out at work and on my husband I didn't take them again. I forgot how on edge they make me. The good thing is after taking them for a couple days I got below that 270 mark and was in the 60's but I havnt weighed myself since so I have a feeling Im back in the 70's again:( and the struggle continues! I cannot wait to share how my 2nd fill goes! Hopefully this time he finds my port without a 15 minute digging episode, that was pretty nerve wracking and uncomfortable!! Alright peeps wish me luck on Tuesday!!

Measurements & Jean pic!

Oh Good God! I got even more sick this weekend! This is totally putting a wrench in my workout schedule! I got the flu shot Friday evening at WalFart. I have never had the flu shot before, however, I figured that with my luck I would end up getting an awful bug this year, puking up my guts and hurt my band and realize I just wasted 15grand! I am such a positive thinker:) So yesterday afternoon I started getting pains in my stomach and feeling really nauseaus and dizzy..I didnt puke but I was pretty sick for about 4 hours, WTF? Damn flu shot I thought but today I feel better but woke up with that dizzy feeling again. All I ate yesterday was some toast and crackers. Missed church and my body pump class this morning! I havnt been to the gym since last Tuesday and much to my surprise, Im freakin out about it! Ok,I am avoiding the measurment stats...I had my husband measure me yesterday morning and since the scale hasnt moved much I figured maybe I lost some inches...NEGATIVE...i lost a couple but not much. I lost 1.5inches from my waist in a month and a half inch from my bicep. I measure my chest, waist, hips, bicep,neck, thigh and calve. No loss in a month except for my stomach. my first measurment as done on 8/12 about 2 weeks after surgery. So far since than my totals are -2.5 from my waist, -1inch from my hips and -.5 from my biceps. its weird but everything else has stayed the same? BUMMER! HOWEVER!!! I did get on the scale this morning and am down to 266.5 lbs!! I guess not eating yesterday pushed me down under the 270's? either way Im friggin taking it and logged it with lightening speed on my diet ticker!.,.LOL. Not sure if I will be back up to 270 tomorrow but I dont care right now...down 35lbs in 2.5 months!! So, I told you I would post a pic of me in my size 20 JUNIOR old navy jeans that I havnt been able to wear in a couple years. I put them on friday and they were actually baggy! this is not the most flattering pics and I hate to see myself still in pictures but we are all friends right??..:)

BAGGY JEANS!

10 more days until my 2nd fill!! The countdown is on! oh I am really praying this fill will give me at least some restriction!! I lay awake at night thinking about what Im gonna say to the doctor and hopeing he doesnt try some crazy crap like giving me .5 cc fill! I actually saw my doctor yesterday at the Gas Station..he didn't see me ( he was on the other side) and I almost went up to him to talk to him about this bandster hell Im going through and tell him that he needs to loosen up this 6 week rule in between fills..but I chickened out but today I wish I would of went up to him! I am still going to the gym, however, I didnt get there last night because I have been sick with a bad cold all week that infected my entire family! but I am going to make it up this weekend. good news is I finally lost another pound...1pound...so after...lets see...almost 4 weeks flunctuating between 271 & 274 I finally got to 270..and let me tell you its only a pound but man was I frustrated these last 4 weeks! People keep telling me since Im working out and doing weights I might gain muscle but lose inches..and they MIGHT be right because today I put on a pair of old navy LOW RISE..YES low rise jeans in Junior size 20 (not plus 20, cause you all know there is a difference) and they are baggy on me! I havn't worn these jeans in a couple years! and when I stand up I DONT have a muffin top! now sitting down is another story:) so I must of lost some inches. I will have my husband take a picture in my jeans tonight and I will post for you! I am also going to measure myself tomorrow morning and see if I did indeed lose inches since the scale isnt moving. when I think about only a 1lb loss in a month I am get pretty discouraged. I am not perfect with my eating but Im doing as best as I can. I am still struggling with the fact that this band isnt working as fast as I expected but I guess Im just goin to have to be patient..I dont really have much of a choice....the good thing it did bring me was getting re focused on working out and eating better...not worth 15 grand but I am hoping in a few months I will posting about how much weight I am losing!! I would love to see 215 again and you will have to pick me off the floor if I hit below 200, I havnt been there since my freshman year in highschool! Some days I am really happy and some days Im not..I guess its all part of the journey..I sometims read these scary stories of people who never get restriction, even with 8 -10 fills and their band is filled to capacity and than hearing the stories of people not losing much weight at all in a year...and it freaks me out! I just wish I could fast forward to this time next year and see where I am at. I am determined no matter what to make this work for me...I need to be more realistic and I need to see how far Iv come already ....so here is what I have accomplished in 2.5 months...

• Lost 30lbs-302lbs to 270.5
• Lost inches ( # to come tomorrow)
• Joined the gym and began exercising at least 3-4x a week
• I have more energy and not as freakin tired as I have been before surgery and I notice I can go on less sleep now..weird
• Lost a full pant size and very close to two (size 20 now)
• Feel better about myself!! Happier!! most days I feel pretty damn good
• No soda in exactly 2 months, 2 weeks, 4 hours and 17 seconds:) I dont miss it as much as I thought I would...CRAZY
• No bloating feeling anymore...feel like I could suck my stomach in...havnt felt that in a while
• signed up for my first 5k run/walk ( Nov. 6th)

Not too shabby in 2.5 months, huh??

Body Pump!!

I told you all I joined the gym..well I took my 3rd body pump class today...I am really liking it...Im not getting sore much anymore but that class kicks your butt!!! I work with the girl who teaches it and she has turned into pretty much my personal trainer! She comes in my office all the time at work and talks about what I eat that day (she knows I have the band), if Im coming to the gym that night and even freakin lectures me if I eat something i shouldnt of...at first it kinda got on my nerves..I dont like to answer to anyone about my food or exercise..but than I started realizing it is helping me out and she really cares about how Im doing and wants to see me succeed. She is pretty hard core and in your face type of person but I think right now I need that...she pushes me in the body pump class too..tells me not to stop when she sees me slacking or getting too tired..she tells me to put more weight on my bar and just cheers me on..after class she will put on my Facebook page how good I did and come in at work and ask how Im feeling too. So Im gonna stick with the class and than with walking that Im doing. Than pick up more cardio soon. I still havnt lost anymore weight and Im holding between 271 - 273lbs. Im still pretty bummed about the slow weight loss. My 2nd fill is on Oct.19th and Im praying for more restriction!! I did eat chinese food tonight and I noticed it went down "heavy" I had to stop a few ttimes and let the food settle..I dont think I was chewing like i am suppose to..like I said before I feel like because Im so "normal" like I dont have the band that Im getting away from the band rules that I should still be following. its hard to chew chew chew and eat small bites when you dont really need to. *sigh*

Get it right Peeps!!

OMG... had to go off on my doctor's office today!! So you all know how I have been struggling in bandster hell, right? well I called last week and explained how frustrated I am with no restriction and they moved my appointment up from Oct. 20th to Oct 5th, no questions asked..I was so happy! so today I call back just to confirm the time of my appt, later today I get a call from a girl there saying that she made a mistake and that I cannot make my second fill appt until 90 days after my surgery (Nov. 2nd) due to a billing policy they have. I am selfpay and no billing to me or my insurance is done. I got a little upset and explained how confused I was considering this was never mentioned to me before, the girl apologized and said she was new and didnt know of the "rule". She kept putting me on hold and asking someone else questions, I finally got frustrated and hung up. She made my appt for november 2nd and I didnt know how I was going to get through another 4 weeks like this!! after fuming for a few minutes I called back a girl that I used to work with there before my surgery and asked if she could please help me out..she also explained to me that it was a billing policy but I just kept challenging it because they kept saying it was because of insurance but I kept telling them that doesnt apply to me!! so I finally talked her into calling the billing office to "confirm"...well lo and behold she called me back and left a message saying that 90 day rule does not apply to me as selfpay BUT they have an office rule made by the doctors that I cannot have a fill any sooner than 6 weeks after the previous one so now I still have to wait until the week of Oct. 18th...UGH!! man they ticked me off today..Im so tired of calling there and getting different answers and feeling like I have to tell THEM what to do! so now I am back to being frustrated with this band and having to wait another 3 weeks for a fill!! Oh yea and she mentioned to me that the first fill wont make a difference and its usually the 2nd one where I will start seeing a different...REALLY?? they never told me that before and the doctor never mentioned it, in fact he said in the office after I complained about how hungry I was "well we will fix that right now" as he proceeded to put in 2cc's. WHATEVER. ok so im done venting....so last I spoke I was yet again frustrated ( my word of the month)...and I was about to leave for vacation...vacation went well however I did eat and eat more than I should have, but I did walk alot. when I weighed myself when I got back I was up to 274 so I gained about 2 lbs..I was ok with that considering I ate a good bit of food while there. I did join the gym and started taking body pump classes, which I really like. Iv taken 2 so far and am gonna keep going...I figure I might as well try my best if I have to wait another 3 weeks for possible restriction!! Man, I tell you this is alot harder than I expected!!

BANDSTER HELL SUCKS BIG TIME!!

To say I am frustrated is an understatement!! I havn't lost any weight in weeks and I find myself easily falling back into old habits...eating things I shouldnt be...snacking, eating larger portion sizes, ect...besides the occasional indigestion feeling after I eat a bigger bite than I should, I feel completely like I did pre-band. I am not saying I should just be eating to eat and I am trying not to but the other day I went to outback with a friend and pretty much ate the whole meal and just started to feel full before I got done...I know I know that I should be trying harder but its so hard when you dont have restriction!! I feel like a broken record!! I did call the doctor and talked to them and they moved my 2nd fill up 2 weeks earlier so instead of 10/19 its 10/5...Thank you Jesus!!! I really am praying I get restriction with this one..every week feels like its been a month and I cant help but think of all the wasted time. Its not like Im trying though..I joined the gym and I took my first class, body pump, the other day and Im still sore as hell...been walking as well. It just comes down to the fact that I can eat so much more than I am suppose to on this diet..Im getting discouraged...to top it off I am going out of town this weekend to the beach for 4 days and Im nervous....boardwalk fries..seafood buffets...its gonna take alot of willpower!! I had to vent some before I left but I will keep you posted on how I do!!

Gained 2lbs!!

Im feeling very frustrated with myself right now....I havnt been doing that great this week..have had a HUGE appetite all week and been super stressed out between work and my son having pneumonia....so I havnt been walking like I was, havnt been drinking as much water and eating alot more than I should..Im not really eating bad, unless you count the mexican lunch I had on Wednesday....but I feel like I can eat so much more than I am suppose to..and I actually feel hungry with stomach growling most of time...I got on the scale yesterday morning and I already knew I had probably gained but when it had me back at 274 I was so upset with myself. This is so much harder than I expected and I am really feeling a little depressed about it. I am really frustrated how long the process takes of getting restriction too...I am thinking about calling my doctor and seeing if I can get in any earlier..probably not but worth a shot. I still dont trust myself...I know how I am with food...if I am hungry I eat and at times I dont feel like I have control than after I eat I get angry with myself. I dont keep bad food in the house which helps but every bite counts of whatever it is and can keep me from losing. There is no way I can do the half a cup of food 3x a day...i feel like i barly eat anything..I actually got chinese food last night and purposely didnt chew as much to see if Id feel anything and I didnt. I wish I could see what my stomach and band looked like I envision I have alot of room still in the band. I started doing really good with getting myself into the habit of chewing and eating slow and I feel like I am moving away from that again because I feel so "normal"...I dont know how to handle this for another 5 weeks, im scared of gaining more weight back and having to start all over again. I know what I HAVE to do but its just do damn hard. Today I am going with my best friend to get a massage and facial....I am hoping that relaxes me. I feel so good that i have lost almost 30 lbs and I feel better in my clothes and I am getting compliments but its not enough to keep me pushing ahead without the help of the band. I feel like people I havnt seen in a few weeks are thinking I should be losing more or look thinner...*sigh* I think I should post on the board on lapband talk and get some encouragement.

Yes I want a cookie....dammit!!

I definitely know now what kind of eater I am...took me a few weeks to track it but I definitely eat when Im stressed and frustrated and when its that time of the month..when they both come together Im in big trouble!!! On days where I am struggling with my food intake it seems that everything stands out even more...at work, I am surrounded by food...pot lucks, cookies and snacks delivered at meetings..lunch meetings, dinner meetings...chili cookoffs, "just because" snacks!!! It literally drives me crazy!! I sometimes have all the willpower in the world to say no thanks but other days, like today I fight it so hard and end up just getting annoyed.

I have a boss who eats ALL THE TIME..its a habit for her..she loves to snack on things..she talks with her mouth full, and always has some type of snack or sandwich n front of her..she isnt huge my any means, I would say slightly overweight but everytime I meet with her she is eating something, I was especially hungry today so when I met with her at 11am she had a bag of cheese chex mix on her desks just munching away. I just ignored it..than another person came in to join the meeting and she began to snack away..I sat there gettting so agitated during the meeting. as soon as it was over I hauled butt out of the office. Than one of my coworkers asked me to go to lunch with her at a local mexican rest..I really wanted to since I hadnt been out for lunch much since my surgery and i really missed our "vent" sessions ...but I decided to stay in and eat my brown rice, shrimp and broccoli. Than someone came around and asked if I wanted anything from chic filet and that they were running to pick up food..as the orders piled in I kept thinking about how I really could eat a chicken sandwich washed down with a big ole fountain coke..*sigh*. At one point in my boss's office I got so annoyed I said " OMG people can you stop with the food??!" they said sorry but kept on eating. I miss coke so much sometimes...lately Iv wanted it more but I found that when I eat certain things is when I want one more like chocolate, which I had my first piece of today cause I was once again in my boss's office later in the day and she was eating one of those huge chocolate bars and kept asking me if I wanted a piece and I finally succumbed to peer pressure. I wasnt hungry when I eat it but I had such an urge to snack So about an hour later right a coworker of mine bought cookies for her entire team and kept asking if I wanted one..I just kept saying no but I really did want one. I went into another meeting and that person was sitting there eating cookies while we talked..as she is munching away she says " how much weight have you lost anyway?" I said about 30lbs. She said "damn, wow"..than stuffed the cookie in her mouth...lol. My point is that is a willpower struggle all friggin day!!! and when Im stressed or pmsing its so hard to turn it down and than I end up getting extremely frustrated and almost blow up at someone...just over food...how crazy is that?

Oh Shizzle its Football Season...Are You Ready?

Iv always loved football season, every man I dated including my now husband were football fanatics..I guess what man isnt? but I realized I liked the food that comes with football season much better (not better than my husband just better than football)...wings, draft beer, nachos, onion rings...all that glorious finger food!! Today I had some of my family over to watch the games and we ordered to go, Buffalo Wild Wings...wings, chips and cheese, onion rings, potato wedges and a salad. Yes a salad....I had all intentions of eating that salad ...but that salad is still sitting there, staring at me, saying " why didnt you eat me, why did you have to have those 6 wings,2 onion rings and those chips and cheese???" I can't even answer that, less than 10 hours ago I was typing on my blog about how happy I was I almost hit 30lbs lost, WTH?? you would of thought that I would of been drivin to keep doing well today...well I did for a few hours...drank my water, took a walk, eat a light breakfast and I was actually telling my husband that today I started to feel like I was getting some restriction...but this afternoon it all went to hell in a hand basket! Ok, I didnt do THAT bad..not like I ate till I puked or anything but still. In the past six and half weeks since my surgery I never once thought about football season or how much I would miss drinking that draft beer and eating those wings every Sunday. Its just yet another hurdle to get over in this journey...like holiday's, birthdays, or just social situations in general...Iv stayed clear of these for the past month but I realize Im going to have to get mentally prepared to deal with these or Im gonna sabotage my success....I felt like I needed to put this out there, talk about it so I felt better about the decision I made today.

.5 lbs away from a 30lb loss!!

My son has been sick for a couple days so I have been focused on taking care of them since Friday morning...I barly eat all day yesterday because he was so demanding all day and he wanted me in bed with him and I spent a few hours in Urgent Care as well. The good news is that I guess not eating works...who would of thunk?? I got on the scale this morning and was 271.5!! Almost lost a total of 30lbs. I cannot wait to get out of the 270's and move onto tackling the 260's. I take it 10lbs at a time and once I hit 230 I will feel like I can breath again and relax...Like I said before, I never saw the scale on the way from 240-280 its like it happened overnight and I didnt step on a scale for a while during that timeframe so getting past all those crappy numbers back to where I knew Iv been before and knew how I looked. I feel it will be more maneagable at that weight, now with starting off at 300 I felt the goal was sooooo far away and I still do think it will take a while but at least the scale is moving down for now. And as long as its doing that I cannot complain. Now tomorrow I might wake up and be back to 274 but today Im taking what I can get and hurried up and updated my diet ticker before the scale changed again! Today I am still taking care of my son but heading to the grocery store first so I can get some good food in this house to eat before I start grabbing fast food!! cause I will! Still not feeling restriction from the first fill, I was hoping I might have a delayed reaction but so far nothing. I have a little restriction in general still can't eat the way I used to preband but damn those cravings and old habits still are there...its not like I didn't know that would be but just didn't realize how hard it was going to be to have to do it continuously everyday for probably the rest of my life. Baby steps, right???

Eating Struggles...

So I changed my blog name from my journey to Cupcakes&Carrots....this sums up my everyday battle since a couple weeks after surgery...the constant mind games I play with myself...knowing I should eat healthy but WANTING the things I shouldnt have and giving in at times. For the past week I have been eyeing one single Hostess Twinkie left from a box I bought my son (yes my son not me..I sware) and everyday I think "should I eat it or just throw it away"..finally today I decided to take it and throw it away..only about 2 hrs later actually thinking about taking it back out the garbage, I mean its still in the wrapper right?? What have I come to?.I have a VERY hard time throwing out food and always have. I dont know why I have that problem, my parents never made me clean my plate growing up, I never went hungry and was never told not to throw out food but somewhere, at some point I decided that the plate always gets clean, leftovers are saved and eaten until gone (most of the time). I am one of those " all the poor people in the world that are hungry would die for this food Im tossing". My husband has a habit of always leaving something on his plate....so when Im done I can put my plate directly in the dishwasher while I always have to scrape his in the trash and it friggin annoys me..why can't he eat that one last piece of meat or that last spoon of rice?? When I say that he looks at me like Im crazy and than I think well maybe if I left some food on my plate I wouldnt be in the predicament Im in now. I dont know if I will ever be able to throw out food or have the waiter take my plate without boxing it up, but dammit I need to accept the fact that I am going to have to do that sometimes, its part of the new me, the new lifestyle I committed to....but I know I won't go down without a fight:)

Reminding myself why I did this.....

1. To be able to paint my toes and breathe simultaneously.
2. To be able to play with my kids on the floor or sit in a comfy chair and not struggle to get back up
3.To bend down and put on or try on shoes without struggling
4. To be able to fly and not worry if the seat belt will buckle around my stomach
5. To not feel like Im bigger than my husbands Prius and feel like when Im sitting in it!!
6. To be able to run up a set of stairs and not think twice
7. To walk into the gym and feel like I look good and got this down!
8. Get back in my 2 piece bathing suit again..ok, might not look FABULOUS but as long as I can somewhat get away with it:)
9. Be the size I was when I met my husband (220lbs size 16)
10. To run or even walk in my first 5k
11. To shop in "normal" size stores...Goodbye Lane Bryant...Hello Forever 21!!
12. To be under 200 lbs!! FINALLY!
13. To be smaller than my husband.
14. Not to have to worry about being the "Fat Mom" when my son starts school
15. To not think about food 24/7.
16. To not worry about going somewhere and wondering what the seating will be like (parties, the movies, shows, etc)
17. To not sweat all the time.
18. To not have swollen ankles at the end of most days.
19. To inspire others!!
20. Have my family proud of me! They know my struggle!
21. To finally win this war I've fought for so long.
22. To wear shorts and feel good in them!
23. To wear clothes without an X in the size.
24. To wear clothes without a W in the size.
25. To wear clothes with a size that doesn't start with a 2.
26. To not be embarrassed to see old friends again.
27. To never skip another social event because I'm embarrassed about how much weight I've gained.
28. To like looking at pictures of myself again.
29. To not hide from the camera as much as possible.
30. To not "untag" pics of myself on Facebook because I'm embarrassed by how bad I look
31. To get pregnant and have another child and carry that child at a healthy weight (not 300lbs again)
32. To keep myself healthy, since I don't have any comorbidities and certainly don't want any!
33. To turn heads when I walk in a room
34. To lose inches and inches!
35. To pick healthy foods and feel full on them instead of opting for unhealthy things just because I crave that full feeling.
36. To know how it feels to eat breakfast and not think about food again for a few hours.
37. To set a good example for my kids.
38. To dance at my son's wedding.
30. To contribute to this amazing online community of bandsters.
40. To help someone along the bandster journey when they are struggling, because I really like helping others.
41. To be able to cross my legs.
42. To be able to sit indian-style on the floor.
43. To not have to worry about the weight limit on any activity
44. To overcome the emotional part of my eating.
45. To rewire my brain about food and eating and just LIVE!!

Not sure what to think...

So, I got my fill yesterday....Dr. Small had a hard time finding the hole in my port for some reason and ended up poking with the needle and pushing my stomach around for 15-20 minutes as I flinched in discomfort and prayed for him to find it!! That was so uncomfortable and a little painful. I am so sore today! He couldnt figure out why it took him so long since when I got my de-fill after surgery he went right in without an issue. Im glad its over and have 6 weeks till I have to do it all over again!! Anyway, after finally getting in..he withdrew 1 cc, I guess I still had some in there from the surgery and after the defill??? than put in a total of 4cc's. I was nervous about that but to be honest I barly feel the difference and Im really worried and bummed about it today:( I was just hoping so bad that I would get this fill and be losing weight left and right but so far since last night Iv ate, tomato soup, 2 chicken fingers, a weight watcher frozen breakfast and a 1/2 cup of chicken salad with 6 pretzel thins and none of that has bothered me. I THINK i have a little more restriction because after i ate about a cup of the frozen breakfast I was full. I just ate the chicken salad and feel full too. not stuffed just content. I guess I was thinking Id get "stuck" or that I would only be able to eat a few spoonfulls and be full, I hear it can take a day or 2 to really feel the impact of the fill so I hope that is true. I am hungry though about 2 hours after eating. I wait till my stomach growls to eat more. I guess overall Im a little disappointed but I need to give it another day or 2 to see how I feel. I scheduled my 2nd fill for Oct. 19th so worse case scenario I have to wait untill than and continue to "diet" until I get restriction. I dont want to feel bad with a fill so I should probably be grateful that i feel so good but I just want to lose weight and lose it fast...its just my whole want it now mentality!! Im just so tired of thinking about food ...I did that before the band and Im even worse now..I just wish I could forget about food, about hunger about all that and just live, its crazy how when you have food issues how much you think about food. I cant let myself get down about anything cause I put so much money and effort in this so far and I wont give up but just wishing the weight would fall off quicker and this would be a quicker process than it really is. I didn't really know what to expect coming into this, I read alot but you really have to live the experience..and EVERYONE is so different from the pain at surgery to the fills to what you can and cant eat..its crazy how different everyone is. I have a friend at work who had it done and she is miserable after every fill from her first fill on until things "settle" and she has never, since surgery been able to eat bread or chicken or really any meat but Iv been able to eat all that so far. She pukes and gets sick alot and has such bad constipation problems. Im glad Im not like her though..I have another friend who had this done and she has been smooth sailing since her surgery in April and has lost 60lbs!!! She exercises all the time though but her last fill a couple weeks ago she got over filled and has been living with the discomfort in order to lose weight. I dont want to have to do that though but I could see why she would tough it out..you just want to lose weight so bad and when you start losing it you just want more and more and faster and faster! So, I have lost a total of 26.5lbs according to the dr. 10lbs since my last visit a week after surgery, so that is 10lbs in about 4.5 weeks...which to me is a whole month and not that much..I lost more than that on Weight Watchers in one month..so when I hear that number I get a little bummed out cause I was thinking Id lose like 15-20lbs in a month. time is flying and its already been 6 weeks since surgery, so I keep thinking to myself I need to try and relax and just continue to take it day by day. My husband is switching gym's this week and I am going to start going with him to Gold's gym. I think once I start doing more cardio and working up a sweat that I will lose more, just walking isnt cutting it for me unless I do 2 miles everyday and I cant seem to get that in! I need to post some pictures on here too.. so will start taking some so you guys can see my progress!!

FILL TODAY!!

Finally, today is FILL DAY!!! I am so ready...I did not do good the past 2 days, all the cookouts and gathering for the holidays did me in. I did not mentally prepare myself for those. These were my first cookouts since my band. I ate too much at my sister's house on Sunday afternoon, I felt so crappy for 2 hours after I ate, nothing got stuck but just ate too much felt soooo tight under my breastbone. I didn't thnk about the "picking" I did with appetizers prior to eating. Than last night I had some people over and I didn't eat that much but just picked around at food all day! Today, I am very frustrated at myself because I could of been down another couple pounds but I think I probably actually gained a pound or 2 this weekend. I am sure the doctor's scale will weigh me more today anway plus I will have my work clothes on which will add to it as well. I will have to strip down when I weigh in !!!..lol. Anyway, its time for a fill, I need some help restricting what I eat. I still can't eat as much as I could without the band but Im getting up there more than I could at first. I need to get prepared for this fill too..I need to make sure Im taking small bites and chewing and watching what I eat, I might not be able to eat anything like I can now. This process is all so much mental, more than I thought. Its crazy!! I did do a little shopping this weekend, I am bout a size down now..from 22 to a 20, probably after another 10lbs I should be able to get into an 18 though. I bought just one pair of paints and a couple tops. I wanted to buy more but I figured I probably will start losing now more with my fill and dont want the money to go to waste and not be able to fit into them in another month. I feel like the weight loss is so slow now and that I am just dieting and I hate that...so really I am so glad Im getting the fill, I keep hearing how it may not help you the first time but it HAS to!! I cant imagine it won't at least a little. I did walk yesterday, got up in the morning around 7am and me and my son took a nice long 2 mile walk, it was very nice and peaceful. He enjoyed it. I got my 8500 steps in yesterday too. I am just ready to lose more weight. People are still noticing my weight loss to far. I also measured myself, first time in a month, and I lost a total of 4 inches, which was less than I expected but still lost. I measure my stomach, chest, neck, thighs, calve and upper arms. I think I only lost a 1/2 inch in my stomach, which I thought for sure it was more. I believe I can only have liquids after my fill today for 24hours and even though Im not looking forward to it I think its good cause maybe I will lose a pound:) I was told by a friend not to eat much before my fill either. My fill isnt until 3pm, so Im munching on some chicken salad and crackers right now and than going to be done for the day and just push water and than maybe some soup tonight. Wish me luck!! I will post later tonight or tomorrow to let you know how it goes!!

25lbs down 100 more to go!!

I hit the 25lb marker today! That is 25lbs in 5 weeks. to be exact 25.5lbs:) Now all but 10 of that was lost in the 1st week and 10 in the past 4 weeks but still pretty good, I think. I originally said my 1st mini goal would be 50lbs but now I dont think that is a mini goal. It was really hard losing this weight was not a piece of cake. I could of probably lost more if I would of picked up the exercise more or just did it everyday. I am thinking 30 lbs should be my first mini goal...it might take me a while to get to 50 if I am losing 1-2lbs a week!! I need my reward my husband promised me:)

I now weigh 275.5lbs. Now I am scared the doctor is not going to put much of a fill in because Im losing so good BUT im gonna make sure he konws that I am strict dieting and walking and its me 80% and the band 20% right now!! I am sure he has heard it all. I dont want to feel uncomfortable though cause I really like the feeling that I dont have the band, like now. I have a busy weekend and a family cookout sunday, so I guess I will allow myself a hamburger but I am going to make a healthy side dish, Iv already decided. My family is just going to have to deal with it. The wont get the regular Mac & cheese or scalloped potatoes!! Mama has changed it up!! I get my hair done tomorrow which I am super exited about..I love getting highlights and flat ironed..makes the difference in how I look. I might even splurg and get my toes down:) I am still feeling pretty good. I wish I had more energy though...I cant seem to get myself motivated to exercise more than just walking. I just keep making excuses..its too hot, im too tired, I walked yesterday, blah blah...Im so glad I bought a pedometer, that has helped me alot keep track of my slacking days and good days. I do notice when I walk closer to 8-9 thousand miles I lose more weight but I am averging 3-4 thousand which is the equivilent of about 1.5 miles and that isn't cutting it for me. I am doing lunch today with my BFF. I do still enjoy eating out. right now its easy because I have no problems with any foods and I can still eat a good bit. I just make healthier choices. Its a day by day strategy!!

1 Month Band Anniversary

So its been just over a month since I had surgery...These are some things Iv noticed in just a month...and after losing 24lbs so far. First are my feet!! they look so much smaller and I dont have the swelling anymore..used to come home from work and my feet would look and feel like balloons. I have some shorts that I couldnt fit into before surgery that were even snug last summer but now button and feel comfortable, people have started noticing...Iv gotten a couple people at work come up to me saying I look like Iv lost weight, my mom and sister said they could see, my BFF noticed as well and these aren't people that see me every day like my husband who just looks at me when I ask if I look like Iv lost weight...after a 5 second pause..he says, "yea yea I can see it in your face"..lol.. What else? I feel better about myself..I think I would feel better if I went shopping and got some new clothes but Im fighting that because I get my fill on Tuesday and I am hoping that helps me drop some more weight fast so I dont want to spend money on clothes that wont will be too big in another month or 2. I do feel like I look better, if that makes sense..when I look in the mirror at my face Im feeling more pretty and I dont know if that is because maybe my face is less "chunky" or I just feel better. When I look in the mirror I dont see that I have lost weight and Iv noticed I look a little flabby..I never thought Id be the flabby type but after a baby I guess and the fact that Im 35 and havnt worked out in years its creeping up on me and kinda depresses me. I always thought Id be the overweight girl with a banging body after losing the weight cause I used to be so toned, even though I was a big girl but now I dont think that is in the cards for me. I see body shapers and lots of working out in my future..speaking of working out I am going to start going to the gym...dont ask me when but I got the membership..baby steps:) but I am still walking and trying to do my best with that. Im not gonna lie Im putting off the exercise thing but I know I will get into it soon. I am so excited about my fill on Tuesday! I cannot wait..I just hope I can control myself with the eating small bites and chewing, I have been practicing but its hard now when I dont really have restriction or any problems eating anything. I have been getting this funky pain on the left side of my rib cage around my stomach..it feels like that running cramp you used to get in school after gym class and running the "white lightening"...might be gas but Im not sure. I took some gas x last night cause I made the mistake of trying to drink out of a straw for the 1st time...didnt go over too well. I immediatly got some major gas in my stomach and had it till this morning. Bummer straws are out.

Come on Sept. 7th!!!

I cannot wait for my fill!! I am having a hard time sticking with eating the small portion sizes...Im just hungry so much through the day and want to eat but trying to follow the band rules of three 1/2 cup meals a day with 2 protein suppliments is very difficult without good restriction! Im scared to weigh myself this week because I havnt been doing very well...I havnt been doing bad just not as good as I should, especially the past couple days...there still has not been anythign I havnt been able to eat..Iv tried alot of different things even bread and it goes down fine. One really good thing is that I havnt drank anything but water for 3 weeks now! which is just crazy for me...I dont even drink crystal light or tea just water...Iv NEVER done that and I really have done it without much of a problem. I did walk by someone's desk today and they had a big ole ice cold coke sitting on their desk and for a second I thought MAN I could drink that right now but it passed and Im back to drinking my water. I have been making better choices and eating alot of fish but I have those moments where I grab a handful of chips or a cookie (remember period is on its way) and than ticked that I did it..but I get so hungry sometimes and just go grabbing stuff! Anyway..going to hold off weighing myself for another week and see how I do. Not too much to report today but will keep you all posted!

Feeling a little like "Debbie Downer" today

Maybe because its Monday or maybe because my period is due next week but something has me feeling a little blue and negative today. All I want to do is eat..I didnt have the best weekend and picked around alot food wise..ended up finishing my son's Mcdonalds hamburger from this happy meal yesterday and that just made me feel so angry at myself. I just want the restriction that I am supposet to have with this band..this is why they say bandster hell is so hard!! I really want my fill!!! So I was actually glad to come back to work because its easier for me to stick with it while Im at work all day but I woke up feeling tired and hungry and just wanted a big ole breakfast but I settled for 2 eggs and water (puke). I said I would pack my lunch, which I did, but ended up needing to de-stress from work so I went to lunch with my coworker. I am still "technically" on soft foods so I ordered the mashed potatoes and meatloaf..I immediatly asked for a box when i got my food and boxed half of it up, it actually wasnt a very big portion size but I did get full after eating the half meal but within an hour of being back to work I was hungry again. So I ate a couple of these new pretzel crips which are really low in calories and fat with some of my homemade lowfat chicken salad. I ate that and I feel like its all just sitting in my chest area. I guess it was my first time eating something like pretzels or I just ate to damn fast as usual. I havnt gotten stuck yet, pb'd or "slimed" yet and really dont want to. I am just so ready for my fill.. I know I already said that but I really am!! I have 2 more weeks of this struggle I just sure hope I get some restriction with my 1st fill or Im just gonna cry. I am not weighing myself untl my period is over next week because Im already feeling bloated and all I need right now is to see the scale go up and the tears will start. I stopped the birth control pill the month of surgery because of blod clots and just havnt gone back on it yet and that always helped with my pms symptoms so now Im on my own and back to being the B*TCH that I can be...not to mention the cravings & cramps...so watch out! (please do not hold against me anything I write over the next week) Anyway! If you cant tell struggling a little today...I feel frustrated that I spent 15grand on something that may not work for months. I know I have already lost 21lbs but you never think about the good stuff just the bad...I heard a good analogy the other day in regards to getting the band..."its like buying your new dream car and being told you cant put gas in it for 6 weeks"....that just sums it up for me!!

First Dining out Experience...

So I told you in my previous post that I was taking my team out for lunch today and it would be my first dining out experience since gettting banded. It went very well. I did order a drink (out of habit) and I didnt realize I shouldnt have until they brought it but I took one sip and pushed it away...the girl beside me kept moving it closer to me and saying " you havnt drank anything here let me move it closer to you " She doesnt know I had lapband so I just ignored her. I didnt' order an appetizer but I ordered salmon and grilled shrimp. I got mashed potoatoes and a small side salad ( comes in a little dish). I ate the salad which worried me at first because I heard salad was hard to eat but I chewed it really well and there wasnt that much of it. Than I ate 2 shrimp out of the 4 I got and just chewed really well. I ate about a quarter of my salmon and half of my mashed pototoes. I think I ate total about a cup of food or a littel more and I felt like I could eat more but I quickly asked for a takeout box and had the rest boxed up. I didnt drink anything else. After a few minutes I felt content not stuffed ore even completly full but just content. I got done eating around 1pm and its almost 330 now an Im hungry again. Iv just been drinking alot of water and going to try not to eat the rest of my leftovers but they are calling my name!! I hope that once I get a fill I feel this good but just can only eat less...I feel like I can eat anything and everything agrees with me so far that i have tested out but I just dont want to be able to eat as much. I am still losing, slowly but losing so I must be doing something right during this soft food stage..but I almost feel like I am on regular food now...I am still trying to eat soft food but salad, pot roast and bread seem to go down fine...I still am being careful though. Hopefully things continue on this path!!

Goodbye 90's... Goodbye 80's.. HELLO 70's!!!

On the way UP the scale, I completely missed the 260's and 270's..I guess I just never weighed myself during that time and was scared to see what I actually weighed so when I stepped on and I was 280lbs 2 years ago I couldnt believe it and it just kept going up and up.....Today, which is day 21 post surgery I finally am seeing the 270's! I have lost a total of 21.5lbs and am 279.5. I want to get through the 270's and 260's really quickly..for some reason I find that my toughest spot to be I guess because I missed it on the way up. I just want to see some familiar numbers especially 240 where I was on and off for years. Than I know that I have been there before and lost it before and know what i looked like at that size. I put on a pair of jeans this morning that I fit into last year but havnt been able to wear comfortably without a roll hanging out over them for months and they fit and fit comfortably!! I can sit down and they not cut into my skin or the button pop open...I actually even bent down in them this morning and put on my son's shoes without feeling like I couldnt breath or feeling like it took alot of energy from me. It felt good and I felt good today...I am going out to my first restaurant experience today. I am taking my team to TGI Friday's for lunch...I am going to stop typing now and come back after to let you know how it went....:)

20lbs down!!

I hit the 20lb marker today! I have been walking alot and got up to over 8,000 steps yesterday and that is making the difference, I need to start doing more cardio and start weights too. Gotta get my butt to the gym soon. Still slow moving weight loss but at least its moving and moving in the right direction. I notice Im the must hungry when I get home from work, that early evening timeframe before dinner, so I end up picking around for 2 hours on crap. I havnt seen a difference in my clothes yet except my pants are just a little looser around my waist but I think I remember in the past it took about 30-40lbs to start noticing a change in my clothes and when people starting seeing it. I refuse to start buying clothes though. I decided not to shop until I hit the 50lb marker unless absolutley necessary. I hate the idea of buying clothes that won't fit me in a few months. Right now I just feel like I have no bloating, like I low carbed dieted. I dont have alot of energy still but its slowly coming back. I notice that I still can't lift anything really heavy. I tried to lift my son into a swing at the park last night and had a hard time, he is 40lbs,my arms felt so weak! Being at work helps me stay disciplined. I keep my water at my side and make sure I drink 32oz by the time I leave for the day, I do get hungry alot through the day but usually I eat a little and it subsides but an hour later Im hungry again. Still some mind hunger too. Iv ended up telling a few people at work about my surgery, mostly because they heard through my team that I was off for surgery and even though they dont flat out ask me what I had done I feel like I have to tell them once they ask me how I am and if everything is ok with me. I am not keeping this a big secret or anything but just dont want everyone and their brother knowing and I think its mainly because of the ignorance people have with the surgery and not knowing how it works and how hard it is, also I dont want people constantly asking me how much weight I lost or watch me and think..."man, she isn't losing weight yet" but it is what it is. If someone asks I will tell them but not posting it all over my cubicle:) All in all Im feeling good, been planning some trips for the next few months just to keep busy and active. I am going to DC to the museums this month, going to the Beach next month and than in October planning a trip to visit my husbands family in GA. My husband and I are talking about taking a trip to Mexico to a family resort with my son as well but we are going to hold off on that a little. I am still a little parnoid that something is going to go wrong with my band so I am keeping our savings reserved for a while just in case. Oh yea! I ordered a jogging Stroller over the weekend, my son and I are super psyched to get it!!..lol...its going to be so nice to have that to use and walk with. its got a built in ipod player and all kinds of little gadgets...never thought I would get so excited about a stroller...its crazy how I went from a shopping aholic for myself to all about shopping for my son..cant remember the last time I bought clothes for myself...oh yea I bought a bunch of big old pants and shirts before surgery thinking I wouldnt be able to wear button pants for a month..but that doesnt count:)

I REALLY DO have a band!!

I have been saying that I feel like I barly have the band and that I feel like I can eat as much or whatever I want most of the time ...well last night I was freakin starving and we had a busy evening at home so we didnt eat until late...I made broiled Talipia with squash and I made little crabcakes with some leftover crab I had from making crab soup over the weekend..ANYWAY...I had a piece of fish with about a quarter cup of veggies and a crab cake, I ate way to fast pretty much exactly how I used to eat and ate it all...I wasnt paying attention to how full I felt or focusing on eating slow and chewing alot. I wasnt doing this on purpose I was just really hungry and was watching something on TV that drew my attention away from my food, well after I ate even though it wasnt a ton of food I was sooo stuffed...not a stuffed feeling like I used to get after overeating before the band but a pressure underneath my breastbone..almost felt like a golfball was sitting in that area, I felt like CRAP!! I tried to drink some water and it made it worse...I was so mad that I didnt pay attention and follow the rules but in a way I am glad it happened because now I KNOW that I cannot eat like I used to even if Im hungry all the time and that I really do have the band and even though I am in bandster hell I still have to follow the rules. Lesson learned!! it wasnt a horrible pain just more uncomfortable feeling. So today Im taking it extra easy..eating softer foods and smaller portions. I did get 2 walks in yesterday and when I weighed myself this morning (I know I said I was only going to do it once a week but I just cant stay away) I lost a half of a pound..lol...so Im up to 19lbs lost total...its a very slow weightloss now but I know that is normal and expected so Im trying not to get upset about it. I just need to focus on doing what i need to do. Only 20 days until my first fill just gotta get through until than.

Bandster Hell!!

Iv read about it and saw the million posts on it but I was hoping it wouldn't happen to me....Bandster hell!!.. but it did:( I feel like I dont really even have the band..I feel like I eat anything! I have controlled myself though and to be honest I do find once I eat about a cup of food, good substance food and if I chew it really good and eat slow I feel full and content so I guess I do still have some restriction cause I am pretty sure I could eat much more than that before the band. So Friday I started soft food. I havnt been pureeing like I think I am suppose to I am just eating soft food and chewing really well. Today I woke up and had 1 scrambled egg with 1 diced up piece of turkey sausage and a sprinkle of fat free cheese I ate very slow and chewed well and it went down fine and I was full after eating it, which is good but as the day goes on I get hungrier and hungrier I did get 40 oz of water in today and made myself keep drinking. Most of the rest of the day I just picked around at food I didnt sit down and eat lunch like I should have I had like a bite of grounded chicken salad, a spoonful of my son's mac and cheese and a piece of lunch meat. I put a pot roast in the crockpot this morning with some carrots, celery and potatoes diced up really small and scooped out about a half a cup of that around and ate that..and it went down good kinda heavy though and I really need to stay away from the carbs! the doctor said I can have potatoes and stuff but it always makes me feel so heavy after I eat it. I had a little more pot roast in the evening and than Im done! so I still dont think I ate that much but I need to stop picking around at food even if its healthy and eat my 3 meals. Its also hard now that I am not suppose to drink 30 minutes before a meal and an hour after...its hard to work that and get your liquids in not to mention Im thirsty when I eat. working on breaking that habit. I really want a glass of wine tonight and been craving a nice sweet white wine but Im not suppose to have alcohol for a few months guess because you need to get your nutrients in first. I am a little concerned that I have 3 more weeks until I get a fill! Iv decided I need to treat this like a diet so I went and spent freakin 350 dollars this weekend on food!! so much for the band saving me money! healthy food is expensive!! but I stocked up!! got all kinds of stuff to make some recipes for the soft food stage just lots of healthy food to have in the house so Im not tempted to eat what I shouldnt since I dont really have the restriction. After being so hungry for a week while on liquids I am just happy I can eat some food with substance! I have been walking too...a mile so far, I think it really helps with the weight loss but I havnt lost any weight all week. Im frustrated about that but Im still down 18lbs since surgery. I bought a pedometer this weekend and going to walk alot this week. My plan to get me through bandster hell is eat healthy and try to stick with what Im allowed and the half cup per meal, limit my snacking unless Im starving, drink lots of water, and walk! Iv been on Weight watchers so many times that I know I can do that until I can get a fill and get restriction. im disappointed that I already feel like this after spending so much money but at least I was prepared to know it could happen and how I was going to get through it.