Get it right Peeps!!

OMG... had to go off on my doctor's office today!! So you all know how I have been struggling in bandster hell, right? well I called last week and explained how frustrated I am with no restriction and they moved my appointment up from Oct. 20th to Oct 5th, no questions asked..I was so happy! so today I call back just to confirm the time of my appt, later today I get a call from a girl there saying that she made a mistake and that I cannot make my second fill appt until 90 days after my surgery (Nov. 2nd) due to a billing policy they have. I am selfpay and no billing to me or my insurance is done. I got a little upset and explained how confused I was considering this was never mentioned to me before, the girl apologized and said she was new and didnt know of the "rule". She kept putting me on hold and asking someone else questions, I finally got frustrated and hung up. She made my appt for november 2nd and I didnt know how I was going to get through another 4 weeks like this!! after fuming for a few minutes I called back a girl that I used to work with there before my surgery and asked if she could please help me out..she also explained to me that it was a billing policy but I just kept challenging it because they kept saying it was because of insurance but I kept telling them that doesnt apply to me!! so I finally talked her into calling the billing office to "confirm"...well lo and behold she called me back and left a message saying that 90 day rule does not apply to me as selfpay BUT they have an office rule made by the doctors that I cannot have a fill any sooner than 6 weeks after the previous one so now I still have to wait until the week of Oct. 18th...UGH!! man they ticked me off today..Im so tired of calling there and getting different answers and feeling like I have to tell THEM what to do! so now I am back to being frustrated with this band and having to wait another 3 weeks for a fill!! Oh yea and she mentioned to me that the first fill wont make a difference and its usually the 2nd one where I will start seeing a different...REALLY?? they never told me that before and the doctor never mentioned it, in fact he said in the office after I complained about how hungry I was "well we will fix that right now" as he proceeded to put in 2cc's. WHATEVER. ok so im done venting....so last I spoke I was yet again frustrated ( my word of the month)...and I was about to leave for vacation...vacation went well however I did eat and eat more than I should have, but I did walk alot. when I weighed myself when I got back I was up to 274 so I gained about 2 lbs..I was ok with that considering I ate a good bit of food while there. I did join the gym and started taking body pump classes, which I really like. Iv taken 2 so far and am gonna keep going...I figure I might as well try my best if I have to wait another 3 weeks for possible restriction!! Man, I tell you this is alot harder than I expected!!

BANDSTER HELL SUCKS BIG TIME!!

To say I am frustrated is an understatement!! I havn't lost any weight in weeks and I find myself easily falling back into old habits...eating things I shouldnt be...snacking, eating larger portion sizes, ect...besides the occasional indigestion feeling after I eat a bigger bite than I should, I feel completely like I did pre-band. I am not saying I should just be eating to eat and I am trying not to but the other day I went to outback with a friend and pretty much ate the whole meal and just started to feel full before I got done...I know I know that I should be trying harder but its so hard when you dont have restriction!! I feel like a broken record!! I did call the doctor and talked to them and they moved my 2nd fill up 2 weeks earlier so instead of 10/19 its 10/5...Thank you Jesus!!! I really am praying I get restriction with this one..every week feels like its been a month and I cant help but think of all the wasted time. Its not like Im trying though..I joined the gym and I took my first class, body pump, the other day and Im still sore as hell...been walking as well. It just comes down to the fact that I can eat so much more than I am suppose to on this diet..Im getting discouraged...to top it off I am going out of town this weekend to the beach for 4 days and Im nervous....boardwalk fries..seafood buffets...its gonna take alot of willpower!! I had to vent some before I left but I will keep you posted on how I do!!

Gained 2lbs!!

Im feeling very frustrated with myself right now....I havnt been doing that great this week..have had a HUGE appetite all week and been super stressed out between work and my son having pneumonia....so I havnt been walking like I was, havnt been drinking as much water and eating alot more than I should..Im not really eating bad, unless you count the mexican lunch I had on Wednesday....but I feel like I can eat so much more than I am suppose to..and I actually feel hungry with stomach growling most of time...I got on the scale yesterday morning and I already knew I had probably gained but when it had me back at 274 I was so upset with myself. This is so much harder than I expected and I am really feeling a little depressed about it. I am really frustrated how long the process takes of getting restriction too...I am thinking about calling my doctor and seeing if I can get in any earlier..probably not but worth a shot. I still dont trust myself...I know how I am with food...if I am hungry I eat and at times I dont feel like I have control than after I eat I get angry with myself. I dont keep bad food in the house which helps but every bite counts of whatever it is and can keep me from losing. There is no way I can do the half a cup of food 3x a day...i feel like i barly eat anything..I actually got chinese food last night and purposely didnt chew as much to see if Id feel anything and I didnt. I wish I could see what my stomach and band looked like I envision I have alot of room still in the band. I started doing really good with getting myself into the habit of chewing and eating slow and I feel like I am moving away from that again because I feel so "normal"...I dont know how to handle this for another 5 weeks, im scared of gaining more weight back and having to start all over again. I know what I HAVE to do but its just do damn hard. Today I am going with my best friend to get a massage and facial....I am hoping that relaxes me. I feel so good that i have lost almost 30 lbs and I feel better in my clothes and I am getting compliments but its not enough to keep me pushing ahead without the help of the band. I feel like people I havnt seen in a few weeks are thinking I should be losing more or look thinner...*sigh* I think I should post on the board on lapband talk and get some encouragement.

Yes I want a cookie....dammit!!

I definitely know now what kind of eater I am...took me a few weeks to track it but I definitely eat when Im stressed and frustrated and when its that time of the month..when they both come together Im in big trouble!!! On days where I am struggling with my food intake it seems that everything stands out even more...at work, I am surrounded by food...pot lucks, cookies and snacks delivered at meetings..lunch meetings, dinner meetings...chili cookoffs, "just because" snacks!!! It literally drives me crazy!! I sometimes have all the willpower in the world to say no thanks but other days, like today I fight it so hard and end up just getting annoyed.

I have a boss who eats ALL THE TIME..its a habit for her..she loves to snack on things..she talks with her mouth full, and always has some type of snack or sandwich n front of her..she isnt huge my any means, I would say slightly overweight but everytime I meet with her she is eating something, I was especially hungry today so when I met with her at 11am she had a bag of cheese chex mix on her desks just munching away. I just ignored it..than another person came in to join the meeting and she began to snack away..I sat there gettting so agitated during the meeting. as soon as it was over I hauled butt out of the office. Than one of my coworkers asked me to go to lunch with her at a local mexican rest..I really wanted to since I hadnt been out for lunch much since my surgery and i really missed our "vent" sessions ...but I decided to stay in and eat my brown rice, shrimp and broccoli. Than someone came around and asked if I wanted anything from chic filet and that they were running to pick up food..as the orders piled in I kept thinking about how I really could eat a chicken sandwich washed down with a big ole fountain coke..*sigh*. At one point in my boss's office I got so annoyed I said " OMG people can you stop with the food??!" they said sorry but kept on eating. I miss coke so much sometimes...lately Iv wanted it more but I found that when I eat certain things is when I want one more like chocolate, which I had my first piece of today cause I was once again in my boss's office later in the day and she was eating one of those huge chocolate bars and kept asking me if I wanted a piece and I finally succumbed to peer pressure. I wasnt hungry when I eat it but I had such an urge to snack So about an hour later right a coworker of mine bought cookies for her entire team and kept asking if I wanted one..I just kept saying no but I really did want one. I went into another meeting and that person was sitting there eating cookies while we talked..as she is munching away she says " how much weight have you lost anyway?" I said about 30lbs. She said "damn, wow"..than stuffed the cookie in her mouth...lol. My point is that is a willpower struggle all friggin day!!! and when Im stressed or pmsing its so hard to turn it down and than I end up getting extremely frustrated and almost blow up at someone...just over food...how crazy is that?

Oh Shizzle its Football Season...Are You Ready?

Iv always loved football season, every man I dated including my now husband were football fanatics..I guess what man isnt? but I realized I liked the food that comes with football season much better (not better than my husband just better than football)...wings, draft beer, nachos, onion rings...all that glorious finger food!! Today I had some of my family over to watch the games and we ordered to go, Buffalo Wild Wings...wings, chips and cheese, onion rings, potato wedges and a salad. Yes a salad....I had all intentions of eating that salad ...but that salad is still sitting there, staring at me, saying " why didnt you eat me, why did you have to have those 6 wings,2 onion rings and those chips and cheese???" I can't even answer that, less than 10 hours ago I was typing on my blog about how happy I was I almost hit 30lbs lost, WTH?? you would of thought that I would of been drivin to keep doing well today...well I did for a few hours...drank my water, took a walk, eat a light breakfast and I was actually telling my husband that today I started to feel like I was getting some restriction...but this afternoon it all went to hell in a hand basket! Ok, I didnt do THAT bad..not like I ate till I puked or anything but still. In the past six and half weeks since my surgery I never once thought about football season or how much I would miss drinking that draft beer and eating those wings every Sunday. Its just yet another hurdle to get over in this journey...like holiday's, birthdays, or just social situations in general...Iv stayed clear of these for the past month but I realize Im going to have to get mentally prepared to deal with these or Im gonna sabotage my success....I felt like I needed to put this out there, talk about it so I felt better about the decision I made today.

.5 lbs away from a 30lb loss!!

My son has been sick for a couple days so I have been focused on taking care of them since Friday morning...I barly eat all day yesterday because he was so demanding all day and he wanted me in bed with him and I spent a few hours in Urgent Care as well. The good news is that I guess not eating works...who would of thunk?? I got on the scale this morning and was 271.5!! Almost lost a total of 30lbs. I cannot wait to get out of the 270's and move onto tackling the 260's. I take it 10lbs at a time and once I hit 230 I will feel like I can breath again and relax...Like I said before, I never saw the scale on the way from 240-280 its like it happened overnight and I didnt step on a scale for a while during that timeframe so getting past all those crappy numbers back to where I knew Iv been before and knew how I looked. I feel it will be more maneagable at that weight, now with starting off at 300 I felt the goal was sooooo far away and I still do think it will take a while but at least the scale is moving down for now. And as long as its doing that I cannot complain. Now tomorrow I might wake up and be back to 274 but today Im taking what I can get and hurried up and updated my diet ticker before the scale changed again! Today I am still taking care of my son but heading to the grocery store first so I can get some good food in this house to eat before I start grabbing fast food!! cause I will! Still not feeling restriction from the first fill, I was hoping I might have a delayed reaction but so far nothing. I have a little restriction in general still can't eat the way I used to preband but damn those cravings and old habits still are there...its not like I didn't know that would be but just didn't realize how hard it was going to be to have to do it continuously everyday for probably the rest of my life. Baby steps, right???

Eating Struggles...

So I changed my blog name from my journey to Cupcakes&Carrots....this sums up my everyday battle since a couple weeks after surgery...the constant mind games I play with myself...knowing I should eat healthy but WANTING the things I shouldnt have and giving in at times. For the past week I have been eyeing one single Hostess Twinkie left from a box I bought my son (yes my son not me..I sware) and everyday I think "should I eat it or just throw it away"..finally today I decided to take it and throw it away..only about 2 hrs later actually thinking about taking it back out the garbage, I mean its still in the wrapper right?? What have I come to?.I have a VERY hard time throwing out food and always have. I dont know why I have that problem, my parents never made me clean my plate growing up, I never went hungry and was never told not to throw out food but somewhere, at some point I decided that the plate always gets clean, leftovers are saved and eaten until gone (most of the time). I am one of those " all the poor people in the world that are hungry would die for this food Im tossing". My husband has a habit of always leaving something on his plate....so when Im done I can put my plate directly in the dishwasher while I always have to scrape his in the trash and it friggin annoys me..why can't he eat that one last piece of meat or that last spoon of rice?? When I say that he looks at me like Im crazy and than I think well maybe if I left some food on my plate I wouldnt be in the predicament Im in now. I dont know if I will ever be able to throw out food or have the waiter take my plate without boxing it up, but dammit I need to accept the fact that I am going to have to do that sometimes, its part of the new me, the new lifestyle I committed to....but I know I won't go down without a fight:)

Reminding myself why I did this.....

1. To be able to paint my toes and breathe simultaneously.
2. To be able to play with my kids on the floor or sit in a comfy chair and not struggle to get back up
3.To bend down and put on or try on shoes without struggling
4. To be able to fly and not worry if the seat belt will buckle around my stomach
5. To not feel like Im bigger than my husbands Prius and feel like when Im sitting in it!!
6. To be able to run up a set of stairs and not think twice
7. To walk into the gym and feel like I look good and got this down!
8. Get back in my 2 piece bathing suit again..ok, might not look FABULOUS but as long as I can somewhat get away with it:)
9. Be the size I was when I met my husband (220lbs size 16)
10. To run or even walk in my first 5k
11. To shop in "normal" size stores...Goodbye Lane Bryant...Hello Forever 21!!
12. To be under 200 lbs!! FINALLY!
13. To be smaller than my husband.
14. Not to have to worry about being the "Fat Mom" when my son starts school
15. To not think about food 24/7.
16. To not worry about going somewhere and wondering what the seating will be like (parties, the movies, shows, etc)
17. To not sweat all the time.
18. To not have swollen ankles at the end of most days.
19. To inspire others!!
20. Have my family proud of me! They know my struggle!
21. To finally win this war I've fought for so long.
22. To wear shorts and feel good in them!
23. To wear clothes without an X in the size.
24. To wear clothes without a W in the size.
25. To wear clothes with a size that doesn't start with a 2.
26. To not be embarrassed to see old friends again.
27. To never skip another social event because I'm embarrassed about how much weight I've gained.
28. To like looking at pictures of myself again.
29. To not hide from the camera as much as possible.
30. To not "untag" pics of myself on Facebook because I'm embarrassed by how bad I look
31. To get pregnant and have another child and carry that child at a healthy weight (not 300lbs again)
32. To keep myself healthy, since I don't have any comorbidities and certainly don't want any!
33. To turn heads when I walk in a room
34. To lose inches and inches!
35. To pick healthy foods and feel full on them instead of opting for unhealthy things just because I crave that full feeling.
36. To know how it feels to eat breakfast and not think about food again for a few hours.
37. To set a good example for my kids.
38. To dance at my son's wedding.
30. To contribute to this amazing online community of bandsters.
40. To help someone along the bandster journey when they are struggling, because I really like helping others.
41. To be able to cross my legs.
42. To be able to sit indian-style on the floor.
43. To not have to worry about the weight limit on any activity
44. To overcome the emotional part of my eating.
45. To rewire my brain about food and eating and just LIVE!!

Not sure what to think...

So, I got my fill yesterday....Dr. Small had a hard time finding the hole in my port for some reason and ended up poking with the needle and pushing my stomach around for 15-20 minutes as I flinched in discomfort and prayed for him to find it!! That was so uncomfortable and a little painful. I am so sore today! He couldnt figure out why it took him so long since when I got my de-fill after surgery he went right in without an issue. Im glad its over and have 6 weeks till I have to do it all over again!! Anyway, after finally getting in..he withdrew 1 cc, I guess I still had some in there from the surgery and after the defill??? than put in a total of 4cc's. I was nervous about that but to be honest I barly feel the difference and Im really worried and bummed about it today:( I was just hoping so bad that I would get this fill and be losing weight left and right but so far since last night Iv ate, tomato soup, 2 chicken fingers, a weight watcher frozen breakfast and a 1/2 cup of chicken salad with 6 pretzel thins and none of that has bothered me. I THINK i have a little more restriction because after i ate about a cup of the frozen breakfast I was full. I just ate the chicken salad and feel full too. not stuffed just content. I guess I was thinking Id get "stuck" or that I would only be able to eat a few spoonfulls and be full, I hear it can take a day or 2 to really feel the impact of the fill so I hope that is true. I am hungry though about 2 hours after eating. I wait till my stomach growls to eat more. I guess overall Im a little disappointed but I need to give it another day or 2 to see how I feel. I scheduled my 2nd fill for Oct. 19th so worse case scenario I have to wait untill than and continue to "diet" until I get restriction. I dont want to feel bad with a fill so I should probably be grateful that i feel so good but I just want to lose weight and lose it fast...its just my whole want it now mentality!! Im just so tired of thinking about food ...I did that before the band and Im even worse now..I just wish I could forget about food, about hunger about all that and just live, its crazy how when you have food issues how much you think about food. I cant let myself get down about anything cause I put so much money and effort in this so far and I wont give up but just wishing the weight would fall off quicker and this would be a quicker process than it really is. I didn't really know what to expect coming into this, I read alot but you really have to live the experience..and EVERYONE is so different from the pain at surgery to the fills to what you can and cant eat..its crazy how different everyone is. I have a friend at work who had it done and she is miserable after every fill from her first fill on until things "settle" and she has never, since surgery been able to eat bread or chicken or really any meat but Iv been able to eat all that so far. She pukes and gets sick alot and has such bad constipation problems. Im glad Im not like her though..I have another friend who had this done and she has been smooth sailing since her surgery in April and has lost 60lbs!!! She exercises all the time though but her last fill a couple weeks ago she got over filled and has been living with the discomfort in order to lose weight. I dont want to have to do that though but I could see why she would tough it out..you just want to lose weight so bad and when you start losing it you just want more and more and faster and faster! So, I have lost a total of 26.5lbs according to the dr. 10lbs since my last visit a week after surgery, so that is 10lbs in about 4.5 weeks...which to me is a whole month and not that much..I lost more than that on Weight Watchers in one month..so when I hear that number I get a little bummed out cause I was thinking Id lose like 15-20lbs in a month. time is flying and its already been 6 weeks since surgery, so I keep thinking to myself I need to try and relax and just continue to take it day by day. My husband is switching gym's this week and I am going to start going with him to Gold's gym. I think once I start doing more cardio and working up a sweat that I will lose more, just walking isnt cutting it for me unless I do 2 miles everyday and I cant seem to get that in! I need to post some pictures on here too.. so will start taking some so you guys can see my progress!!

FILL TODAY!!

Finally, today is FILL DAY!!! I am so ready...I did not do good the past 2 days, all the cookouts and gathering for the holidays did me in. I did not mentally prepare myself for those. These were my first cookouts since my band. I ate too much at my sister's house on Sunday afternoon, I felt so crappy for 2 hours after I ate, nothing got stuck but just ate too much felt soooo tight under my breastbone. I didn't thnk about the "picking" I did with appetizers prior to eating. Than last night I had some people over and I didn't eat that much but just picked around at food all day! Today, I am very frustrated at myself because I could of been down another couple pounds but I think I probably actually gained a pound or 2 this weekend. I am sure the doctor's scale will weigh me more today anway plus I will have my work clothes on which will add to it as well. I will have to strip down when I weigh in !!!..lol. Anyway, its time for a fill, I need some help restricting what I eat. I still can't eat as much as I could without the band but Im getting up there more than I could at first. I need to get prepared for this fill too..I need to make sure Im taking small bites and chewing and watching what I eat, I might not be able to eat anything like I can now. This process is all so much mental, more than I thought. Its crazy!! I did do a little shopping this weekend, I am bout a size down now..from 22 to a 20, probably after another 10lbs I should be able to get into an 18 though. I bought just one pair of paints and a couple tops. I wanted to buy more but I figured I probably will start losing now more with my fill and dont want the money to go to waste and not be able to fit into them in another month. I feel like the weight loss is so slow now and that I am just dieting and I hate that...so really I am so glad Im getting the fill, I keep hearing how it may not help you the first time but it HAS to!! I cant imagine it won't at least a little. I did walk yesterday, got up in the morning around 7am and me and my son took a nice long 2 mile walk, it was very nice and peaceful. He enjoyed it. I got my 8500 steps in yesterday too. I am just ready to lose more weight. People are still noticing my weight loss to far. I also measured myself, first time in a month, and I lost a total of 4 inches, which was less than I expected but still lost. I measure my stomach, chest, neck, thighs, calve and upper arms. I think I only lost a 1/2 inch in my stomach, which I thought for sure it was more. I believe I can only have liquids after my fill today for 24hours and even though Im not looking forward to it I think its good cause maybe I will lose a pound:) I was told by a friend not to eat much before my fill either. My fill isnt until 3pm, so Im munching on some chicken salad and crackers right now and than going to be done for the day and just push water and than maybe some soup tonight. Wish me luck!! I will post later tonight or tomorrow to let you know how it goes!!

25lbs down 100 more to go!!

I hit the 25lb marker today! That is 25lbs in 5 weeks. to be exact 25.5lbs:) Now all but 10 of that was lost in the 1st week and 10 in the past 4 weeks but still pretty good, I think. I originally said my 1st mini goal would be 50lbs but now I dont think that is a mini goal. It was really hard losing this weight was not a piece of cake. I could of probably lost more if I would of picked up the exercise more or just did it everyday. I am thinking 30 lbs should be my first mini goal...it might take me a while to get to 50 if I am losing 1-2lbs a week!! I need my reward my husband promised me:)

I now weigh 275.5lbs. Now I am scared the doctor is not going to put much of a fill in because Im losing so good BUT im gonna make sure he konws that I am strict dieting and walking and its me 80% and the band 20% right now!! I am sure he has heard it all. I dont want to feel uncomfortable though cause I really like the feeling that I dont have the band, like now. I have a busy weekend and a family cookout sunday, so I guess I will allow myself a hamburger but I am going to make a healthy side dish, Iv already decided. My family is just going to have to deal with it. The wont get the regular Mac & cheese or scalloped potatoes!! Mama has changed it up!! I get my hair done tomorrow which I am super exited about..I love getting highlights and flat ironed..makes the difference in how I look. I might even splurg and get my toes down:) I am still feeling pretty good. I wish I had more energy though...I cant seem to get myself motivated to exercise more than just walking. I just keep making excuses..its too hot, im too tired, I walked yesterday, blah blah...Im so glad I bought a pedometer, that has helped me alot keep track of my slacking days and good days. I do notice when I walk closer to 8-9 thousand miles I lose more weight but I am averging 3-4 thousand which is the equivilent of about 1.5 miles and that isn't cutting it for me. I am doing lunch today with my BFF. I do still enjoy eating out. right now its easy because I have no problems with any foods and I can still eat a good bit. I just make healthier choices. Its a day by day strategy!!

1 Month Band Anniversary

So its been just over a month since I had surgery...These are some things Iv noticed in just a month...and after losing 24lbs so far. First are my feet!! they look so much smaller and I dont have the swelling anymore..used to come home from work and my feet would look and feel like balloons. I have some shorts that I couldnt fit into before surgery that were even snug last summer but now button and feel comfortable, people have started noticing...Iv gotten a couple people at work come up to me saying I look like Iv lost weight, my mom and sister said they could see, my BFF noticed as well and these aren't people that see me every day like my husband who just looks at me when I ask if I look like Iv lost weight...after a 5 second pause..he says, "yea yea I can see it in your face"..lol.. What else? I feel better about myself..I think I would feel better if I went shopping and got some new clothes but Im fighting that because I get my fill on Tuesday and I am hoping that helps me drop some more weight fast so I dont want to spend money on clothes that wont will be too big in another month or 2. I do feel like I look better, if that makes sense..when I look in the mirror at my face Im feeling more pretty and I dont know if that is because maybe my face is less "chunky" or I just feel better. When I look in the mirror I dont see that I have lost weight and Iv noticed I look a little flabby..I never thought Id be the flabby type but after a baby I guess and the fact that Im 35 and havnt worked out in years its creeping up on me and kinda depresses me. I always thought Id be the overweight girl with a banging body after losing the weight cause I used to be so toned, even though I was a big girl but now I dont think that is in the cards for me. I see body shapers and lots of working out in my future..speaking of working out I am going to start going to the gym...dont ask me when but I got the membership..baby steps:) but I am still walking and trying to do my best with that. Im not gonna lie Im putting off the exercise thing but I know I will get into it soon. I am so excited about my fill on Tuesday! I cannot wait..I just hope I can control myself with the eating small bites and chewing, I have been practicing but its hard now when I dont really have restriction or any problems eating anything. I have been getting this funky pain on the left side of my rib cage around my stomach..it feels like that running cramp you used to get in school after gym class and running the "white lightening"...might be gas but Im not sure. I took some gas x last night cause I made the mistake of trying to drink out of a straw for the 1st time...didnt go over too well. I immediatly got some major gas in my stomach and had it till this morning. Bummer straws are out.