Back on Track....

My one day turned into 4 bad days ..today I finally am getting back on track! between my pms and all the food they had at work this week I really fell off the wagon. I didn't get to the gym either this week. I am very angry at myself for letting it go for so long. Its one thing If I was a year out and had a bad week but today is my 3month anniversary and I cant afford to fall off the wagon already!! The end of the year is creeping up on me and I really want to be down 50-60lbs by the first of the year. Im trying not to beat myself up too much about it and I am just going to try really hard this coming week to get to the gym and be good with what I eat. Today I did start measuring food and I can eat about 1-1.5 cups of food before I feel content and start to feel full. I am going to keep measuring my food and trying to focus back on the band rules this week. Its going to be really tough around the holidays I can tell already. My third fill can't come soon enough..I have 30 days and that seems like forever to me!! If it works it will be worth the wait. Wish me luck!!

Boy was I a spaze or what?

I had to laugh a little whenI read my blog this morning from yesterday...Was I a spaze or what??..lol....I was very desperate yesterday...still am a little today but boy did I lay it all on you guys!! Sorry about that:) but had a pretty tough emotional day. My husband even read it last night and was like WTF?? ..lol...anyway...I will not tell you if I had one of those donuts this morning. ( I guess I just answered that question).

On a good note..2 summers ago I cleaned out all my bins of clothes and sold a ton of them at my yardsale. I had about 3 bins of jeans anywhere from a size 14-18. They went like hotcakes!! I held onto those jeans for 10 yrs thinking one day I would get back into them. Well 2 yrs ago I gave up and got rid of them, now I wish I would of kept them. I remmber it being hard to sell them but at that time I though id never get back into size 14 again. I did manage to keep a few of my favorite pairs. A couple size 18's I had folded up and shoved underneath my bed. This morning I dragged them out and for shits & giggles I tried them on. All 4 of them fit! and buttoned with ease! I did weigh myself this morning and luckily my little binge yesterday didnt cause me to gain any weight but once again I can tell the weight loss is very slow. The little restriction that I thought I was getting seems to be disapearing:( Now I am back to the ole "hopefully my next fill will do something" I have 5 weeks to go until than and that is gonna seem like an eternity to me!! 265 is my weight today.....my first big goal I set for me is 250 ....50lbs down from my starting weight. I got 15lbs to get there...I am hoping I can do that by the 1st of the year!

Envasion of the body snatcher!!!

Today my body was taken over and held hostage by a force..a force that I have NO power to fight... a force that I cannot stand up to and has 5x my strength...MY PERIOD!!! She forced me to eat a full plate of chinese food at lunch .....than forced me to eat a piece of marble chocolate cake (dammit Traci why did you have to have a baby?) now she is telling me to go home and lay down on the couch..."go ahead skip the gym, one day won't kill you". Iv been fighting her all day and Im losing the battle...BIG TIME!! Ever since I stopped the pill before surgery my PMS has been crazy...I am not a chocoloate or sweet eater and don't have a problem passing up cake, however, at that time of the month I normally crave chocolate but this? this right here? its beyond craving its like a need...I couldnt pass that damn piece of cake up..I just gravitated toward it...I have been thinking about a Hershey Chocoloate bar with almonds for 2 days straight now! I sware Im going insane. I had SUCH a good week last week...worked out 4x, eat really well and I actually was just bragging over the weekend that I really felt like I had some restriction with this last fill. but today I can eat like normal! I can't figure it out...I am literally starving today...I went to the chinese buffet and filled my plate up and eat almost the whole thing..Its like I didn't care what happened to me I was eating that food...I didnt even fill really full after wards..I did make myself stop and not get anymore but I still eat way more than i should have...than came back to work and there was a piece of cake on my desk and normally when that happens ( yes it does happen often..we have a cake fairy flying round my office) I just take it and give it to the guy behind me...not today...I sware I dont even remember eating it!! I remember walking in seeing it than next thing I know I was throwing the empty plate away. I am so disappointed in myself ..It just takes one bad day and some PMS thrown in the mix to make you feel like you don't have it in you battle this long journey..one day Im on cloud 9 and so positive and the next I want to go home and curl up underneath the blankets and surrender. I am thinking some of you are saying " oh yea blame PMS you didnt have to eat all that food, you should of controlled yourself" and your right I should have..I am really pissed off that I am feeling this way today. I know tomorrow is a new day and I plan on getting back on track ..I have not doubt I will...but today, cant I just wallow a little in my misery??cant I just succomb to the the way i feel and go home, not workout and eat what I want?? You dont realize how much you are going to have to work at this and how hard it is and how weary you will get on some days....some days you just want to use your Get out of jail free card. Today is one of those days.

....OMG.....just got an email at work..here is what it says..."In honor of our front line team members who service our customers every day, tomorrow there will be donuts in the morning and and cookie trays in the afternoon" . They are beating me when I am down!! Im calling in sick tomorrow! I am officially waiving the white flag...I feel like the guy looks on my pic. I am sure glad I have this blog to vent on!!

Going Strong....

well just completed day 3 after my 2nd fill. I THINK im feeling a little more restriction. I guess I am just expecting to get stuck or get full after just a few bites..I am starting to think that the way I feel IS the right way..being able to eat anything, chewing up good and slowing down my eating without any issues but I just think where is the discomfort some people talk about? the pbing? the sliming?? I really dont want that but I guess I read so much about it I expected it. Maybe that comes after more fills? Im not taking teeny tiny bites but nothing stuck so far.So here is what Iv eaten since last night when I started regular foods after my fill.... Last night I had a half of a chicken breast and a small spinach salad, about cup and half..felt full....had 2 hardboiled eggs and 3oz of turkey sausage this morning ..felt content and stayed satisfied for a couple hours. I eat lunch around 2pm the other half of chicken breast and spinach salad....a little over half way through I felt full...wasnt hungry when I left work and normally Im starving by the time I get home and pick on all kinds of food but tonight I went to the gym after work and did about 30 minutes of cardio..still wasnt hungry..I ate a Atkins protein bar when I got home just to keep me from eating chips or cookies...than I ate 5 scallops and about a half a cup of brown rice for dinner around 930 ( im a late eater) and I feel content. Never feel stuffed...stuffed is a feeling I used to get after a chinese buffet or lunch at the Golden Corral buffet...the band gives me a different fullness ....not much bloating ...I like it much better! So I think that I am slowly getting to where I need to be with each fill I am thinking my next fill should do the trick. I REALLY need to measure my food. I have downsized my plate size and portion size..I now use the salad plate in our plate set for dinners at home but I dont measure. I read that measuring is a key to this so I need to make myself do it. Iv been looking at myself in the mirror and even though Im not close to where I want to be I do see a difference after losing 35lbs. I am concerned about my stomach though...the bottom hanging part of my stomach...you all know what Im talking about..i always prided in my thick skin that always seemed to bounce back after so many years of gaining and losing weight but this time I dont think Im gonna avoid it..I think the toll of having my son a couple years ago and than gaining 50lbs after over the next 2 years did it in!! .I noticed its more saggy and even though Im doing what I was told to keep from getting hanging skin like exercise,lots of water..Im really scared this is going to look nasty! I definitly dont have the money for a tummy tuck and I dont want to do it either. everything else seems to be hanging in there...no pun intended..lol.....I lost alot in my butt! dammit...my husband is a butt man so that isnt helping me either..lol...why couldnt he be a stomach man?? I would have it made!!! I also am so friggin pale!! my skin is so pasty white..I was tan all summer and I am sorry but fat looks so much better tan..lol...I always said I cant be pasty and fat!! but now that Im 35 I am trying to take care of my skin too cause it would suck if I finally lost my weight than got skin cancer!! alright peeps Im done for the day...gettin off my high horse:) I will keep you posted!!

2nd Fill Done!!

Went to my dr. appt this morning and he filled me with 2 more CC's for a total of 6cc's! I finally found out what band I had...to my surprise I have the 11cc Lapband not the Realize band like I had thought!! The whole way through my pre-op the office advertised the Realize band and I just assumed I got that but the doctor told me today that after using that for a while that they went back to just the lapband right before my surgery. They said they had more success with lapband and the fills went easier and better...huh, learn somethign new everyday. I was a little bummed because I had read so much on Realize and comparing and it did seem better than lapband but oh well its in now, right?? Anywho, the fill went good, he had to poke for a minute but found it alot faster than last time. I drank the water and went down fine. He insisted I should feel restriction now but I guess we will see. I sure hope I do. I am only liquids and mushies for 2 days than back to regular food. I need to start using the band rules again and get back into the game again! I asked him if by chance I dont feel restriction if I could come back in sooner than 6 weeks...he said he would probably do 4 weeks for me BUT he said he doesnt think that will happen and that he wouldnt be surprised if I came back in to get some out!! I was getting excited..lol!! I just want restriction so bad and to start losing weight faster. Oh yea speaking of weight! I lost 7lbs in 6weeks, they said that was great but I think I should be losing more. I have lost a total of 34lbs since surgery, so in about 2.5 months. Im really hungry right now but trying to stick with only mushies like I am suppose to. I did it for 2 weeks so think I can do it for 2 days. I did notice when I am drinking my water that even though I sip I sometimes get the feeling like I gulped it...could that be the restriction Im waiting for?? I dont know:) The fill cost me $200 today...which put a dent in my savings again!! selfpay sucks!! but hopefully it will be worth it. Now I just have to make the BIG decision of the day...creamy tomato or Cream of broccoli? :) Will keep you posted!

So Ready for my Fill!!

2nd fill in 48hours! I cannot wait but can't help but think that Im getting my hopes up too much or have too high of expectations. I just think that I have been pretty much doing this on my own for almost 2 and half months and really am wanting some help! Help that I paid 15 friggin grand for! Im still going to the gym a few times a week, walking than taking some classes. my eating has been ok..I have my days. some days I do great and track everything and watch what I eat and other days I just eat. I dont think Iv done too bad, however, there are times I just eat too much and don't practice the "band rules" like I should. I was actually thinking about that on my way back from the gym today. how can you stick to the rules if you feel so normal?? I did good with it the first 8 weeks but since my last fill and not getting anymore restriction, I just kinda gave up on the rules and just did weight watchers and exercised. I know if I tell the doctor that Tuesday that they won't like it but at this point Im doing what I need to do to make it through until I get the restriction. Last night my husband and I went to this new mexican restaurant. I eat several chips with salsa and ordered a chicken taco salad. I didnt eat the shell it came in but I did pretty much eat the whole salad and took some sips of some water. I was STUFFED after I eat! felt like my band was gonna pop right off my stomach! I wanted to eat more cause it was so good but knew if I did I would feel worse..I was so thirsty too but couldnt drink because that would of just set me over the edge. I know that I have SOME restriction cause pre-band I would of eat the entire taco salad with shell, more chips and salsa and drank an alcoholic drink or two, however, I always ate more than the average person so to be honest that little restriction isnt enough to make a difference in a weight change for me. This week I actually started taking some old Phentermines I had lefftover from last year that the dr. gave me. They work as far as your appetite goes but DAMN I was a B-I-T-C-H after 2 days! Needless to say after wiggin out at work and on my husband I didn't take them again. I forgot how on edge they make me. The good thing is after taking them for a couple days I got below that 270 mark and was in the 60's but I havnt weighed myself since so I have a feeling Im back in the 70's again:( and the struggle continues! I cannot wait to share how my 2nd fill goes! Hopefully this time he finds my port without a 15 minute digging episode, that was pretty nerve wracking and uncomfortable!! Alright peeps wish me luck on Tuesday!!

Measurements & Jean pic!

Oh Good God! I got even more sick this weekend! This is totally putting a wrench in my workout schedule! I got the flu shot Friday evening at WalFart. I have never had the flu shot before, however, I figured that with my luck I would end up getting an awful bug this year, puking up my guts and hurt my band and realize I just wasted 15grand! I am such a positive thinker:) So yesterday afternoon I started getting pains in my stomach and feeling really nauseaus and dizzy..I didnt puke but I was pretty sick for about 4 hours, WTF? Damn flu shot I thought but today I feel better but woke up with that dizzy feeling again. All I ate yesterday was some toast and crackers. Missed church and my body pump class this morning! I havnt been to the gym since last Tuesday and much to my surprise, Im freakin out about it! Ok,I am avoiding the measurment stats...I had my husband measure me yesterday morning and since the scale hasnt moved much I figured maybe I lost some inches...NEGATIVE...i lost a couple but not much. I lost 1.5inches from my waist in a month and a half inch from my bicep. I measure my chest, waist, hips, bicep,neck, thigh and calve. No loss in a month except for my stomach. my first measurment as done on 8/12 about 2 weeks after surgery. So far since than my totals are -2.5 from my waist, -1inch from my hips and -.5 from my biceps. its weird but everything else has stayed the same? BUMMER! HOWEVER!!! I did get on the scale this morning and am down to 266.5 lbs!! I guess not eating yesterday pushed me down under the 270's? either way Im friggin taking it and logged it with lightening speed on my diet ticker!.,.LOL. Not sure if I will be back up to 270 tomorrow but I dont care right now...down 35lbs in 2.5 months!! So, I told you I would post a pic of me in my size 20 JUNIOR old navy jeans that I havnt been able to wear in a couple years. I put them on friday and they were actually baggy! this is not the most flattering pics and I hate to see myself still in pictures but we are all friends right??..:)

BAGGY JEANS!

10 more days until my 2nd fill!! The countdown is on! oh I am really praying this fill will give me at least some restriction!! I lay awake at night thinking about what Im gonna say to the doctor and hopeing he doesnt try some crazy crap like giving me .5 cc fill! I actually saw my doctor yesterday at the Gas Station..he didn't see me ( he was on the other side) and I almost went up to him to talk to him about this bandster hell Im going through and tell him that he needs to loosen up this 6 week rule in between fills..but I chickened out but today I wish I would of went up to him! I am still going to the gym, however, I didnt get there last night because I have been sick with a bad cold all week that infected my entire family! but I am going to make it up this weekend. good news is I finally lost another pound...1pound...so after...lets see...almost 4 weeks flunctuating between 271 & 274 I finally got to 270..and let me tell you its only a pound but man was I frustrated these last 4 weeks! People keep telling me since Im working out and doing weights I might gain muscle but lose inches..and they MIGHT be right because today I put on a pair of old navy LOW RISE..YES low rise jeans in Junior size 20 (not plus 20, cause you all know there is a difference) and they are baggy on me! I havn't worn these jeans in a couple years! and when I stand up I DONT have a muffin top! now sitting down is another story:) so I must of lost some inches. I will have my husband take a picture in my jeans tonight and I will post for you! I am also going to measure myself tomorrow morning and see if I did indeed lose inches since the scale isnt moving. when I think about only a 1lb loss in a month I am get pretty discouraged. I am not perfect with my eating but Im doing as best as I can. I am still struggling with the fact that this band isnt working as fast as I expected but I guess Im just goin to have to be patient..I dont really have much of a choice....the good thing it did bring me was getting re focused on working out and eating better...not worth 15 grand but I am hoping in a few months I will posting about how much weight I am losing!! I would love to see 215 again and you will have to pick me off the floor if I hit below 200, I havnt been there since my freshman year in highschool! Some days I am really happy and some days Im not..I guess its all part of the journey..I sometims read these scary stories of people who never get restriction, even with 8 -10 fills and their band is filled to capacity and than hearing the stories of people not losing much weight at all in a year...and it freaks me out! I just wish I could fast forward to this time next year and see where I am at. I am determined no matter what to make this work for me...I need to be more realistic and I need to see how far Iv come already ....so here is what I have accomplished in 2.5 months...

• Lost 30lbs-302lbs to 270.5
• Lost inches ( # to come tomorrow)
• Joined the gym and began exercising at least 3-4x a week
• I have more energy and not as freakin tired as I have been before surgery and I notice I can go on less sleep now..weird
• Lost a full pant size and very close to two (size 20 now)
• Feel better about myself!! Happier!! most days I feel pretty damn good
• No soda in exactly 2 months, 2 weeks, 4 hours and 17 seconds:) I dont miss it as much as I thought I would...CRAZY
• No bloating feeling anymore...feel like I could suck my stomach in...havnt felt that in a while
• signed up for my first 5k run/walk ( Nov. 6th)

Not too shabby in 2.5 months, huh??

Body Pump!!

I told you all I joined the gym..well I took my 3rd body pump class today...I am really liking it...Im not getting sore much anymore but that class kicks your butt!!! I work with the girl who teaches it and she has turned into pretty much my personal trainer! She comes in my office all the time at work and talks about what I eat that day (she knows I have the band), if Im coming to the gym that night and even freakin lectures me if I eat something i shouldnt of...at first it kinda got on my nerves..I dont like to answer to anyone about my food or exercise..but than I started realizing it is helping me out and she really cares about how Im doing and wants to see me succeed. She is pretty hard core and in your face type of person but I think right now I need that...she pushes me in the body pump class too..tells me not to stop when she sees me slacking or getting too tired..she tells me to put more weight on my bar and just cheers me on..after class she will put on my Facebook page how good I did and come in at work and ask how Im feeling too. So Im gonna stick with the class and than with walking that Im doing. Than pick up more cardio soon. I still havnt lost anymore weight and Im holding between 271 - 273lbs. Im still pretty bummed about the slow weight loss. My 2nd fill is on Oct.19th and Im praying for more restriction!! I did eat chinese food tonight and I noticed it went down "heavy" I had to stop a few ttimes and let the food settle..I dont think I was chewing like i am suppose to..like I said before I feel like because Im so "normal" like I dont have the band that Im getting away from the band rules that I should still be following. its hard to chew chew chew and eat small bites when you dont really need to. *sigh*